badder santa

i still believe in santa clause.

don’t laugh, he doesn’t like being laughed at.

and he’s a little sensitive about his weight, so don’t mention that either. (ha!)

im twenty five years old, and i still believe in santa clause.

which sounds a little funny.

hell, it IS a little funny.

even i can find the humor in the situation.

but i still don’t laugh about it.

i laugh on the inside.

because like i said, santa doesn’t like being laughed at.

and you don’t want to fuck with santa.

cause once you’re on santa’s shit list, you’re done.

you’re a goner.

you’re gonna be on there for a really long time.

a really really long time.

santa knows how to do two things really well: live in the north pole for a really long time, and make lists.

which is why you don’t want to be on any of santa’s shit ‘lists’

he has a list for naughty kids. and he has a list for nice kids.

which kind are you?

im a nice kid.

but i used to be a naughty kid.

very very very naughty.

do you know what santa clause gives naughty children for christmas?

onions and coal.

which is totally random

but i guess that’s the point.

because what the hell are you supposed to do with onions and coal on christmas day?

i sure as hell didn’t know.

yep, that’s right. i got onions and coal for christmas.

once.
i am dead serious.

once is all that it takes.

once you get onions and coal for christmas, you sure as hell work your butt off to get OFF of the naughty list for next year.

i think i was six years old. hell, i wasn’t even old enough to light a match.
there isnt a whole lot that you can do with coal, if you're not old enough to light a match.

looking back, i wish i had been old enough to have already watched ferris bueller

cause i would shoved that coal up someone elses butt as far as i could get it.

that woulda shown ’em

ya know that quote that tells people to take the lemons that life gives you to make lemonade out of?

well i should write a quote that tells people to take the coal that ol’ saint nick leaves ya, to make it into a ten carat diamond ring.

eat your heart out j-lo.

ha! ha! ha! (or ho! ho! ho!)

all joking (and funny/not-so-funny stories) aside, i am really happy that it is christmas. it is a wonderful time to look back on the many things that i have to be thankful for. i have many, MANY things to be thankful for - and one of those things is the opportunity that i have to write (and joke) with all of you.

on this wonderful christmas eve, may you all have a very merry christmas (and if you were nice, may santa bring you lots of good presents).

be safe, drive safe, party safe.

happy holidays

jen's stuck in ohare just like i was ~ thunder roadie seems to be MIA

forest for the trees (a cheatin repost from march 23, 2004)

what do you do if you're given a second chance? what do you do, when you get an early morning phone call holding out an olive branch? do you answer and pick up where you left off? or do you try to ignore it and keep on thinking?

just like everyone in the history of breakups, my ex girlfriend vowed not to call me. and just like everyone, in a moment of weakness, she called me up one morning. and to be honest i was happy to hear from her. sometimes (especially with all thats been going on around the north side) i worry that something could happen to her. lincoln park is like that... it gives you the false impression that youre completely safe, which makes it that much harder to keep your guard up. eventually you get lulled into letting your guard down and POW!! all of that disappears. sometimes you see it coming, and sometimes it sneaks up and scares the crap out of you. hmmm just like 6am break up calls... POW!!!

it was a moment of weakness, on both our parts. she called, but i was glad. and it got me thinking... 'what if'? what if we get a chance to really "talk"? what if we can work things out? what if this is what we both need to recharge our batteries and keep the ball rolling? when 'what if' likes to crash a party, she likes to brings along her hot lesbian sister 'why not' (afterall who can resist lesbian sisters)? why not talk a little longer? why not meet up for a drink? why not hook up again (ya know for old times sake)? it all sounds so harmless. it all sounds so easy.

personally i usually like to make a clean break. the whole "lets be friends" thing never works... at least not right away. you need 6 months to 2 years to get to that point. and even then it can still be a little wierd. maybe i missed my maturity pill during middle school, but im still not "ok" with seeing an ex girlfriend either A) flirt heavily with some pretty boy B) make out hardcore with some dood C) tell me about her feelings after participating in scenarios A and B. even if we're ancient history, it still doesnt sit well with me.

so if thats my modus operandi, why am i even entertaining 'what if' and 'why not'? for me its normal to flirt a little with 'what if'. what if is HOT and definately has some sex appeal. i still wonder if ill ever bump into an old girlfriend of mine who i had significant sparkage with in the past... what if we meet and the 'looks' and the sparks are still there? what if... 'what if' can be cool, but i normally dont let 'why not' shake her thang too much. its too tempting... too easy. if its easy im automatically suspicious. if its too easy, im definitely out like a trout.

ok... so i not only let 'why not' crash my party, but im letting her work her magic on me, and its starting to wear me down. im trying to be good, and keep my guard up. but why keep fightin' the good fight... afterall, isnt this what i wanted? didnt i want more time? didnt i want more time with her to see if i could 'know'? so why not? just give it a try...

maybe ive seen too many 80's DARE Just Say No! advertisments, but part of me is really screaming NO!!!!! not because i dont want to. not because im not tempted. not because i dont want to throw caution to the wind and let the chips fall where they may... but because it doesnt seem to fix anything. its like offering a bandaid to a hemophiliac with a knife sticking out of them. the worst part is that my ex is the hemophiliac and SHE's the one who's asking for the bandaid. shes the one who wanted me to think faster and decide quicker... shes the one who was concerned about the seriousness of my feelings for her... shes the one who didnt want to waste anymore time.

ok... so those are her problems. HERS. if shes come to terms with her concerns and wants to talk things out... well why not? (HA!). afterall i wasnt the one who called her at 6 am to breakup. but the seed has been sowed, and now ive got fucking crabgrass sprouting everywhere. ive had a week to think... and since i didnt think re-connecting was an option, i should have had enough time to convince myself that i was better off without her, than i was with her.

if the two of us can't (or refuse to) change, why bother? ah! very good question! 'why bother' is 'why nots' pesky little brother, he likes to tag along sometimes and mess up his sisters evening plans.

fortunately if its one thing that i dont worry too much about, its is our (both my ex-girlfriend, and I) ability to adapt and change when the situation arises. whether or not we're willing to (or too stubborn to), well thats a different story.

my ex girlfriend's flexibility is part of what makes her an amazing person. she offers everything that i want, but does she offer everything that i need? like for instance, (and i hate to admit this) but sometimes i need a swift kick in the ass to get me going in the right direction (i can be stoopid - or stubborn - like that). i need a strong woman to keep me on the straight and narrow. otherwise i just might miss the forest for the trees. do you see the irony?

expose myself makes me think of home - compliments of my neighbor anchored nomad - im cheatin because im worried again - be safe

oops... premature salutation

pass the champagne, throw on your party clothes, call your friends and chug some listerine because new years eve is right around the corner.

'its on like donkey kong, BIAaatch!' (ha!)

thats right, the most anticipated night of the year is only 15 days away.

every year (in october) i ask my friends, 'what are we doing for new years eve?' and every year we say, 'yeah lets plan ahead. it sucked last year when we left everything till last minute and ended up partying with those dwarves down in the east village...'

so we say that, and we throw out a couple of fast and furious ideas via email, but inevitably we always find ourselves better idea thrower-outers, than we are planner-executioners.

which is why we always end up partying with dwarves. ha!

it doesnt help that most of my college friends are on the east coast, and i am... all over the place. i can fly to the east coast, i can fly to the west coast. i can even fly home to chicago.

tell me where the party is, and im there. im easy like that.

im the new years slut of the continental united states.

(im rick james, bitch!) ha!

but despite my fixation with balls dropping (ha!), auld lang syne, champagne, and kisses at midnight, ive never really understood the universal appeal of new years eve. ive never understood why we love new years the way that we do.

for instance:

• why do we like to make a lists of things that we hate about ourselves?
• why do we like to get 24 evites to random parties thrown by people we've never heard of (and will never hear from again)?
• why do we like to shuttle between (the 24 previously mentioned) new years eve parties in search of the 'perfect' party?
• why do we like to get dressed up just to celebrate our ability to count down?
• why do we like to sing songs (that we dont know the words to) with random strangers (who dont know the words either)?
• why do we actually think its fun to drop $100 for water down'd drinks and gi-normous crowds at the baaa-h?
• and most importantly...why do we like to hope that this new years eve just MIGHT be the one; why do we like to torture ourselves with the idea that we just MIGHT meet someone new (hot, intelligent, sexy, interesting, hot, funny, hot etc.) and spontaneously start making out as the clock strikes twelve.

oh c'mon! you hope for it too! thats why you wear clean under wear (because ya neva know). thats why you put on your hottest outfit (because ya never know). thats why you get a little drunk, but not too drunk (because ya neva know). hell! thats why you get alot drunk (because ya neva know). thats why you keep your eyes glued to every person in the room, checking - evaluating - weighing etc (because HEY ya neva know).

except you do know. or at least you should. because you're all exactly like me. youve seen it all, youve done it all, youve heard it all. ive lived through twenty five of these puppies, and ive never had it happen. and if even if it did happen (which im not saying it did), i didnt want it to (necessarily) happen. and since i didnt want it to (necessarily) happen, i refuse to acknowledge that it did. ha!

and even if it did happen (which im not saying it did), i still hold out hope that it could happen again... at least with someone who doesnt have a bigger muscles than me. ha!

but all joking aside, i wrote this post to get a jump start on the new year. i wrote this post to remind myself (and all of you) that giving up and just 'hanging out' is not an option. i wrote this post to suggest that we all should keep our minds, our eyes and our ears open... because sometimes (just sometimes) 'ya neva know'.

and thats the way i want my new year to be.

happy holidays!
hooizz

you're not special

i hate drama.

i hate maintenence.

i hate the constant makeups and breakups of relationships.

especially if makeup sex isnt involved.

which is why im irritated this morning.

because today i was dumped... by a friend that im not even going out with. a friend that not only am i not going out with, but that i dumped (when we were kinda sorta together) to be friends with. just friends. i dumped her so that we could be friends without worrying about who's pumping and dumping who.

so we're friends now... and now she's dumping me.

(sidenote: who the hell says 'dumped' anymore?) ha!

seriously, i cant handle this shit at 7 am.

she's dumping me because it hurts too much to be friends. she's dumping me because she feels replaced. she's dumping me because we didnt talk this week (even tho she told me not to call her). she's dumping me because she didnt get any alone time with me this weekend. she's dumping me because i 'cheated' on her by eating thai food and watching movies late night with somebody else (which apparently is 'our' thing). she's dumping me because she doesnt feel that our friendship is special anymore.

did i forget to mention that she and i are just friends? (we are NOT dating)

did i forget to mention that there is no makeup sex to be had? (we are NOT dating)

it is WAY too early in the morning for this shit.

elastigirl - *everybody* is special.
dash - that's just another way of saying nobody is.

fan mail pt1

‘if i don’t think it will work out, should i go on a date [with him] anyways?’

that’s from an email that i recently received.

it’s a good question to ask, but it begs a question in return, ‘why do you already

think it won’t work out with him?’

a question to which i already know the answer, ‘he’s just not my type’.

so im all, ‘how do you know?’

and she’s all, ‘you just do.’

apparently knowing whether or not someone IS (or isnt) your type, is just about as insightful as knowing whether someone is the ‘one’

in other words its not.

but she’s undeniably right. we all have a type.

hipsters. preppies. football players. frat boys. sorostitutes. dorks. rich bitches. yuppies. trixies. emo’s. plain janes. drunks. woo woo girls. bad boys. models. band boys.

you name it and someone probably digs it.

we all have a type.

and chances are that you may even know what your type is.

i certainly do.

i know EXACTLY what my type is.

which is not to say that i only date my type – that would be stupid. dating a variety of people is how you learn what makes you happy. dating a variety of people is how you learn who works with you and who doesn’t. dating a variety of people is how you learn what you do or do not like.

how else would someone (for instance) discover that they have a penchant for petite brunettes who can dominate them inside and outside the bedroom…

(…not that im speaking from my own experience [or anything]). ha!

but seriously, dating around is part of the process for determining a type. its part of growing up. we all do it. we all do it alot, and eventually (if you do it enough) you develop an amalgamation of characteristics that form a new ‘type’. a ‘type’ that actually transcends all of the previous labels (hipsters. preppies. etc) to represent the ‘type’ of person you’re actually interested in.

and that’s who your ‘type’ is.

so back to the original question – what if someone is interested in you, but they’re not your ‘type’?

what to do what to do.

sadly, i don’t have the answer to that one.

because ive been tussling with the same question myself - what if someone is interested in me, but they’re not my ‘type’?

what to do what to do what to do.

because there is someone. and she is not a very girly girl. and i like a reasonably girly girl. she is not ms preppy jcrew. i like ms preppy jcrew. she is not a classic beauty. i like a classic beauty. but she is bubbly cute. i like bubbly cute. she is thrift store vintage. i like thrift store vintage. she is wicked smaaart and extremely well read. i like someone who wicked smaaart and extremely well read. she is artistic and creative. i like artistic and creative. she is opinionated and strong minded. i like opinionated and strong minded. she is exuberant and willing to experiment with life. i like that she is exuberant and willing to experiment with life. she is extremely endearing and incredibly easy to talk to.

and i love that about her.

but (and here’s the kicker) there isn’t a spark.

or at least i haven’t allowed myself to see it (at least not yet).

because she isnt my type.

what to do what to do what to do what to do what to do what to do what to do what to do

post note – its disconcerting (and a little embarrassing) that i couldn’t come up with more reasons why she isn’t my type. its also disconcerting (and a lot embarrassing) that most of the reasons that i did come up with, relate to her external appearance. i always kid that appearance is important to me (and it is), but i never realized how deep that vein goes.

im a neanderthal

have fun, stay single.

im waiting for the one.

you should already know this. but if you’re new (or you don’t), let me just throw that out there for you.

waiting isn’t really an accurate description of what im doing – it implies too much passivity.

i don’t consider myself passive. i don’t consider myself complacent. i don’t like waiting for things to ‘happen’ to me.

im not waiting for godot.

im not waiting for fate to swoop in and ‘fix me up’ with the women of my dreams.

that might be how it will ‘work’, but im not waiting for it.

im not waiting for it. im searching for it.

im searching for the ‘one’…

and like many of you, ive had my fair share of relationships.

so-close-looks-good-on-paper-right-person-wrong-time kinda relationships

and ive folded on every one of them, like ben affleck in celebrity poker.

if it smells wrong, looks wrong, and sounds wrong, im not going to pretend that its right.

maybe itll be right later, but as of right now, it just aint right.

two rights don’t make a left

and so it goes.

and ive never given it much thought. ive never regretted my decisions. ive never looked back on someone with the ‘oh… maybe she WAS the ‘one’… maybe i just blew the best thing to happen to me’ mentality.

you cant think like that.

you cant torture yourself with shit like that.

you just gotta keep your head down and put one foot in front of the other.

there will always be someone better.

i know my value. i know my worth. i AM a good catch.

im not trying to bolster my ego. im not blowing smoke up my (own) ass. im not trying to make myself out to be better than i am. im not fishing for compliments. (ha! HT).

im merely stating that i KNOW that someone GREAT is still out there for me.

at least i did, until my friend stabbed me through a chink in my armor. it was a glancing blow. it was a flesh wound. it drew a little blood.

but it got my attention.

she was commenting on a picture. a picture of an old friend of mine. a picture of an old girlfriend of mine. and she did as girls will do. she did a side-by-side comparison (of my friend) with herself. just a quick one. but a comparison nonetheless.

and so she says to me, ‘wow. she’s really pretty. hell, she’s beautiful.’

this is stating the obvious. i haven’t seen my ex in YEARS, but she certainly looks as foxy as she did when we were dating.

hell, she looks better than when we were dating.

of course my friend has to ask the inevitable question, ‘what the hell was girl like this doing with a louse like you?’ har har

sure, kick a man when he’s down.

but then my friend says, ‘(KICK) ya know, you’ve dated a lot of (KICK) really great looking girls… (KICK) whats your problem? (KICK) ya know (KICK) you only get to date SO many great looking girls…. once you’ve dated your quota…that’s (KICK) it. (KICK) its (KICK) all (KICK) down (KICK) hill (KICK) after (KICK) that (KICK) (KICK) (KICK) (KICK) (KICK) (KICK)’

my groin feels like mike tysons punching bag. (kicking bag for that matter)

im not worried.

but i am slightly worried.

and it has nothing to do with my quota of good looking girls. but it has everything to do with my quota of good looking girls. because its not JUST about looks. don’t get me wrong, its ABOUT looks. but its also about everything else too. because over the years, ive passed on relationships for a myriad of reasons (including looks). not good looking enough. good looking enough, but not smart enough. good looking and smart enough, but too complacent. good looking and smart enough, but too argumentative. good looking, smart, and even tempered, but socially introverted.

yada yada yada you get the picture.

attractiveness is CERTAINLY an important characteristic. but its also one characteristic as a part of a whole package. and the idea of ‘exceeding’ the quota for dating attractive girls is unacceptable. because it would be the same as ‘exceeding’ the quota for dating intelligent girls. or passionate girls. or trustworthy girls.

one for all and all for one.

being denied any ONE of the characteristics that i find attractive in someone, would basically suggest that i am settling for less than i believe i deserve. realistically there are varying shades of these characteristics – BUT i do expect the right person (for me) to embody all of them (in their varying shades of intensity).

i don’t know if there is a quota. i don’t know if there is NOT a quota.

in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

in the end, the quota serves as a healthy reminder – don’t take things for granted. the perfect woman is out there for me, but that doesn’t mean that she is perfect. because none of us are.

so.don’t.blow.it

david: tonight i'll be the super me.
steve: what if the super you meets the super her and the super her rejects the super you?
david: then it's no problem.
steve uh-huh. why?
david: because it was never you, it was just an act.

lil' bitta gangsta

bro's before ho's.

thats what we used to say to one another... in like the 6th grade.

and for those of you who never ACTUALLY heard this in the 6th grade, it basically means that girlfriends are for fun, but guys are friends for life.

(thats right. we called you ho's.) ha! - i mean c'mon! we were in the 6th grade!

so thats what we said. and you know what... we said it and we meant it.

we said it and we meant it, at least until we realized something. we said it and we meant it until we realized (as many of us quickly did) that girlfriends do not have cooties (despite the rumor)... but they DO have some 'advantages' that boys do not.

so much for bro's before ho's.

after that it was all downhill. it was the beginning of the end. talk about the downfall of men. thirteen years later and we still TALK tough, but we know better. as soon as a woman enters the picture... its game, set, match. your boy is already out the door, and handcuffed to the bed... with her in it.

which (quite frankly) isnt such a bad place to be. in fact we've all been there before.
weve all been there, and we loved every minute of it. its fair to say that we never had a chance.

(because you gotta love the handcuffs.) ha!

obviously 'bro's before ho's' never worked - even when we were asexual pre-pubescents. ha! but occassionally we forget - we forget and we assume that the rule is alive. alive and well. (almost like elvis) and thats when we get burned.

i was never more aware of this than when i broke up with an old girlfriend. at the time she was the coolest. we did everything together. we were fully integrated - she was my life and i was hers. my friends were her friends and her friends were my friends.

and then we broke up.

and i woke up.

oh wait - no... only my friends were her friends.

i could care less about her friends. but nothing is a stronger kick in the balls than waking upto realize that your friends arent just your friends - they're HER friends too. they still want to hang out with your her even though you're broken up - even though you cant stand the sight of one another.

she was everywhere. i couldnt do anything with my friends because she was always with them (or should i say... because they were always with her).

what a ho.

i thought that it was just 'understood' that her friends are hers. and mine are mine. its like a divorce. whatever she had beforehand she gets to keep. the same goes for me. apparently she never got the memo. it got alot messier when she started sleeping with an old friend of mine. in my old room. in my old bed.

what a fuckin' ho. (ha!)

eventually i got over it. getting over her was easy. getting over my friends was alot (alot) harder. it was a necessary but nasty burn.

and ever since then ive been very precise about my friendships. ive been very controlled. which isnt necessarily a big deal. im multi-faceted. i appeal to many different groups. they are all good people and great friends. but ive always kept them seperate from one another. no blind dates. no random hookups. no mixing and matching. my friends are just that... my friends. they're not supposed to be your friends.

it sounds childish (it is). it sounds selfish (it is). but is it really? im not hurting anyone. im not being a bad friend. all im doing is looking out for myself. and deep down i know that most of you understand why.

the virginia gentleman

i am an insomniac. i dont sleep normal hours. sometimes i barely sleep at all. i sit and read, or watch tv, or surf the net. i do these things while the rest of you sleep. i do these things to continue my life while the rest of you sleep. i am an insomniac. or so i thought. or so i labeled myself. until i met her. because she is an insomniac. and she is on a completely different level. i musta been kidding myself. me. an insomniac? pshh! she puts me to shame. we have three hour conversations. beginning at 2 am. while you sleep, we talk. we talk about anything and everything. we talk about everything under the sun - or in our case, everything under the moon. she is intriguing. she makes me look like a simpleton. so far ive had her pegged right. so far ive had her in the right 'box'. so far. that cant last very long. she's too multi-layered. she's too much like me. it works too well. which is why i hate to ask myself... why? you may never admit it, but every relationship has a reason. you find them stimulating. they find you stimulating. you find them attractive. they find you attractive. you have something they want. they have something you want. you make them laugh. they make you laugh. even in the blogworld the reason exists. why are you reading my words? more importantly, why do you come back here to read my words? why do you check my blog once a day? once a week? once a month? it all comes down to one characteristic. value. value is the key to all relationships. relationships exist because of value. you have to value somebody enough to maintain a relationship. you have to value them enough to put forth the effort. because relationships require effort. you value something about them; whether it is tangible, or intangible, there is no denying that it exists. and if the value disapears, so does the motivation to exert oneself. objectivism to the core. it appears that she's given me a reason. but is it as simple as it seems? is there more to it? and more importantly, what is her reason? there has to be one, or am i just another insomniac?