the search for 'neo'...

29.6.05

theories on pride

throughout my life, ive been scared of many things – scooby doo, little becky kirkpatrick in the 4th grade, failing out of school, losing my job, and even being rejected by the occasional girl.

but theres one thing ive never been scared of and that is gay men.

i will be the first to admit that it sounds odd (and slightly ignorant) to say that, but A) its true, and B) its an odd but important distinction to make.

because most heterosexual men are scared spitless of homosexual men.

now, before anyone accuses me of feeding flames of hate, or silly nonsense like that, id like to adamantly state that this is not meant to be a post supporting the conservative right. in fact i would almost dare to say that it’s the exact opposite.

this is a post about why straight men need to get over it (or in this case get over themselves). and by that i mean – they need to overcome their two biggest fears of gay men:

- straight men need to overcome their fear that a gay man will be attracted to them and subsequently want to 'tap' dat ass. (ha!)

- straight men also need to overcome their fear that being around gay men will make them… turn gay.

which sounds stupid… right?

and of course it does, afterall we (i.e. MEN) were the ones who thought this shit up in the first place.

but stupid or not, all of the hate, all of the anger, and all of the negative attention directed at homosexual men can be traced back to these two gay myths.

most straight men are thoroughly scared of being gay – which is why many men go to such lengths to degrade and denounce anything and everything that is gay.

(~) ‘faggot this…’ and ‘homo that…’ and ‘thats gay…’ are all terms that have developed out of our fear of something that we don’t understand; or more specifically out of our fear that we WILL understand it all too well (just look at how easily straight men embraced pink and purple striped collared shirts this year). ha!

and for most men, these thoughts (these fears) are too much to handle.

so instead we lash out in any way we can.

which is unfortunate, because a little common sense, and some serious thought on the subject can go a long way to dispelling such nonsense.

but we’re men – who ever said we had common sense or the ability to think? ha!

without common sense or thinking to get in the way, its very easy for men to let ego and ignorance take the wheel.

because we all know how much the male ego likes to drive… ha!

ego plays such an important role in the gay myth – afterall, how self centered does a person have to be to actually THINK that they are attractive to an entire sexual demographic? because that is basically what most straight men are worried about – they are worried that they are SO damn hot, that gay men will come aflockin’. they are worried that they are SO damn hot, that gay men will force them into uncomfortable ‘homosexual’ situations. in other words, gay men wont be able to control themselves around the oh-so-hot-straight-man. riiiiiight.

im not saying that it cant happen… but in my experience it is very unlikely for a prototypical homosexual male (coiffed, fashion conscious, tanned, jacked from hitting the gym) to be interested in the prototypical heterosexual male (beer gut, dressed in gap and old navy, slightly out of shape, sporting the office peon sock tan).

you get the picture.

granted, there ARE straight men who don’t necessarily fit this stereotype – i happen to be one of them. but i KNOW that my looks and demeanor barely put me on par with the average boystown partygoer. which would really hurt my ego… if i wasn’t so straight. (ha!)

for men, its always natural for our ego’s to get us into trouble; unfortunately history has shown that our ignorance is just as likely to mess things up as our ego is.

in this particular case, ignorance cant be excused as readily as most situations since this is more about common sense than it is about knowledge or experience. not everyone has the opportunity to meet gay men or be exposed to gay culture – not everyone lives only a couple of blocks away from ‘boystown’; but the ignorance that im talking about isnt about exposure, so much as it is about common sense.

after all, the idea of ‘turning’ gay is pretty preposterous.

from what i understand (and i don’t understand all that much), homosexuality is not a switch that can be turned on and off at your will. my understanding is that you are either born as someone who is gay, or you are not. which (in my opinion) makes a lot of sense, because being a gay man (or women) in america is not an easy life to lead – if you could turn it off, im sure many people would.

which is something that i think a lot of straight men should think about before they get worried about being ‘turned’. dontchya think?

unfortunately straight men have a lot of negative reinforcement that SUGGESTS that turning is physiologically possible… after all isnt that the ultimate male fantasy – every manboy dreams of being able to ‘turn’ a really hot playmate lesbian away from lesbianism into our own male dominated hetero sex toy. ha!

we really are dreamers aren’t we. ha!

this past weekend chicago held the 2005 PRIDE parade. i was proud to be out on the parade route supporting the men and women who are stronger people than i could ever hope to be.

(~) im not proud of it, but even i am prone to use these terms.

***i am not an expert on homosexuality – im not even an expert on heterosexuality. but i wanted to share some of the unspoken fears and confusion that most straight men often deal with. its easy to see that men are uncomfortable or even ‘scared’ of gay men. but why? ask your guy friends if im right – id like to hear your feedback.

no milks interview on hairdressers turning to the darkside ~ yay! i write like a guy. ha!

22.6.05

the search for sump’in sump'in

no matter whether you are searching for a new apartment, the right job, a potential roommate, or even ‘the one’, you’re bound to spend a lot of time pondering what you want, what you need, and what you cant live without.

finding exactly what you want can only be achieved by being honest, and specific about what your requirements are - anyone can find a low paying nine-to-fiver, a dumpy apartment, and somebody to live with – but we all know how hard it is to find the perfect apartment, the perfect job, the perfect roommate, or even the perfect significant other.

the good news is that most people have already thought about what they want, the bad news is that most people have no idea what they have to offer someone in order to get it.

because life is not a charity.

deep down, every single person (no matter how selfless they claim to be) is a selfish individual.

nobody trades nothing for something. its always an even trade of something for something.

the question becomes, what do you have to offer… what is your something?

most people will think of money as their first and foremost offering. which is extremely shortsighted considering that the vast majority of human interaction does not result in the exchange of tangible value.

friends, coworkers, parent, sibling, significant others… are these relationships that you can buy?

do you have to pay these individuals to maintain their relationship with you?

although most of us would be quick to say ‘no’, i would be equally quick to say ‘yes’. we may not pay these peoplewith money, but we do ‘pay’ them in other forms of currency.

companionship… knowledge… humor… friendship… happiness… support… can all be exchangeable currencies within the context of relationship. they are what i consider ‘value’, and the depth of your ‘value’, along with the breadth of your ‘value’s is what ultimately compose your self worth. the question you have to ask yourself is, do you know what your self worth is?

one (maybe two) of you know exactly what your self worth is. most of you may have a vague but uncertain concept of it.

and if you’ve never given it a thought, why not ask yourself these questions:

  • why does someone want to hang out with you?
  • why would someone want to learn more about you?
  • why do people listen to you?
  • why do people initiate contact with you?
  • why do people stay in contact with you?
  • why would somebody ask you out on a date?
  • why would someone find you attractive?
  • why is someone your friend?
  • what value(s) do you have to offer?

try to think about these questions within the context of your professional, romantic, social, and family relationships - they are easy questions to answer, but sometimes the honest answers may not be what you expect.

for example: i have some people that i am ‘friends’ with for shallow reasons – they’re always available for a drink, they always have the hook up in a bar or club, they’re beautiful and it makes me feel good to be seen with them, their friends are hot and i want to hook up with them etc. etc.

its shallow, its not glamorous, but it’s the truth.

the question you have to ask is not – how do i live with myself (presumably for being so shallow), but what am i offering in return? what do they get from their relationship with me?

remember, life is not a charity.

perhaps they’re friends with me for the same reasons – being social, making them feel good, and the opportunity for a potential hookup… etc. or maybe they have different reasons altogether (perhaps it makes them feel superior to hang out with a chump like me). who knows what their motivations are. who cares what their motivations are. for the moment, i am fulfilling whatever they want (just as they do the same for me).

its all good in the hood, but occasionally it does make you think, right?

the following situations certainly made me think this weekend:

  • a recruiter called to schedule an executive job interview even though i bombed the technical.

  • a potential roommate wrote me to let me know that she had enjoyed meeting me, and was interested in the possibility of having me move in. not only is her apartment amazing, but she is also an accomplished independent women who has multimillion dollar men drooling over her ever day of the week. wha?
  • a girl that id given my number to three weeks ago suddenly called and invited me to join her for a drink.


now i know what i want, and i know whats in it for me... but what do they want? and what do they THINK i have to offer?


only time will tell

chicana's dating suggestions (not that i necessarily agree) ~

17.6.05

is it everything?

first impressions are everything. this, my parents drilled into me from birth.

from the moment that we lay our eyes (our ears, our touch) on someone, we are judging, we are hefting, we are gauging. maybe its an east coast thing. maybe its a cultural thing. maybe its a guy thing.

whatever it is, it's MY thing.

ill be the first to admit that im quick to judge. im quick to label. im quick to stereotype. i'd like to think that my first impression of someone is dead-on, most (if not all) the time. but that cant be true. as ive previously stated, im a host of contradictions - thus it makes sense that other people may be as well.

but until you prove me wrong, in the box you'll stay.

appearance is the most important first impression that you can make. in one glance a person 'thinks' they know everything about you, and yet they know nothing. despite this ignorance, doors are opened and doors are shut based on what a person 'sees' in that first glance. it happens socially, it happens professionally, in otherwords it happens all the time.

this, my parents told me.

as a result i was taught to always dress well, shake a person's hand firmly, and maintain good eye contact (it helps to say a persons name three times too!). instructions which quickly prompted me to don my pornstar t-shirt, start waving 'whaddup', and keep my eyes firmly glued to a person's chest. ha!

what can i say... i was a teenager.

but times have changed. nowadays i cant find my pornstar shirt (a casualty of a pilfering ex), i get weird looks from executives and managers when i wave 'allo' at business meetings (not to mention my coworkers think im a fruit), and gravity has been gradually pulling my gaze farther and farther south (eeeww!).

as i age, appearance is becoming less and less important. dont let me bullshit you, its STILL an important first impression; but it is no longer the ONLY impression that matters...

sometimes it also matters what kind of car you drive (ha!).

beauty has always been important, but brains and determination are beginning to gallop a close second.

which is why bloggin' is so refreshing.

as we read a blog, it becomes very easy to be seduced by the familiarity that we are treated to. each post that someone has written is a snapshot of their synaptic reflexes spilled out across their haetch-tee-em-el; but once again we are quick to forget that reading is hardly a substitute for the real deal. what we read (much like someone's appearance) is only a small but intimate glimpse of what makes each of us tick. there is so much more than what we visually reveal, even in here.

with only my words to guide you, with only what you read, aren't you curious who i really am? arent you curious what i look like? don't you ever wonder if we've crossed paths before?

do you think im the same person that i am in 'here'?

maybe im the only one... but at times i am plagued by these types of thoughts. who are these mysterious people that i read about? what are they like? would we (under normal circumstances) be friends? in an age of googlin', online yellow pages, match.com, and friendster, it is very tempting to draw assumptions that just arent there... because reading a blog is like people watching from a distance - you are quick to draw conclusions that have no basis of reality whatsoever.

and so we naturally grasp at any piece of information that we can. we can not see one another, so we can not get the first impression that we are used to. as a result, we settle for what we CAN see: birth date, gender, hobbies, profession, links to other blogs... and most importantly the profile pic.

im as guilty as the rest of you - i visit sites with written descriptions that interest me as much as i visit sites with profile pics that interest me. a candid camera profile pic of a 'girl-next-door' with a great ass and a quirky sense of humor is worth at least 65 hits a day.

if you think that im a neanderthal for saying that, you might be right. but that doesnt necessarily make me wrong.

sometimes i wonder if i would get a million more hits if i was hot and blond, and i posted my picture up on my profile. sometimes i wonder if i should pretend to be a hot blond (girl) to get the million more hits. (ha!)

to wrap this tirade up, i'll REALLY cheat and repost a post that cheated (in the first place) by quoting something that i originally posted somewhere else... (ha!)

'appearance is the marijuana (i.e. gateway drug) of relationships. its the introduction, but never the addiction. its why we meet other people, but never the reason we continue talking. in the end, i want a relationship that is based on crack or speed, not pot. i want someone who likes my looks, but craves my personality. dont you?' - hooizz

in the end, i wouldnt want someone dating me solely for my appearance, so i shouldnt want you guys reading (or not reading) me solely for it either. it is always tempting to put up a pic of myself, but i never will. i hope you understand why.

perhaps instead, you guys can post some first impressions that you 'think' you have of me (think back to your very first visit) - and ill let you know which ones are close to being right. fair enough?

'you can never really know another person, except by your first glance at him. because in that glance we know everything. even though we're not always wise enough to unravel the knowledge' -ayn rand

+ =

7.6.05

a best friend will help you move a body...

if you haven’t seen the movie ‘my best friends wedding’, you’ve probably been living under a rock without female companionship for the past eight years.

unfortunately even if you haven’t seen it, you probably know the gist of it.

but if you don’t, here’s a quick summary: julia roberts is her normal quirky neurotic romantically challenged self. in the movie, she makes some dood (a completely forgettable male actor) promise her that if they are not married by the age of 30(?) they will get married to each other.

okay, okay… the details were not particularly salient (what do expect it’s a julia roberts film), but the impact of its ‘message’ was tremendous.

because as soon as that movie came out, it became socially acceptable to participate in this sorta thing (in otherwords it wasn’t considered ‘desperate’). subsequently, every girl (in the known world) forced every guy (in the known world) to promise that they would get married if the reached the age of XX years old (and neither of them was married). what was funny about this phenomenon was that nobody actually knew who would be married at XX years old(hell! i certainly didn’t think id be completely single @ twenty six) so there was ALOT of inter-friend-promise-cheating going on. ha!

i think i have one more year before id promised the first (of a couple) rounds of girls that we’d get hitched – and if things keep going the way they’re going… im gonna have to relocate to utah

which is ok, because i hear provo chicks are hot! (ha!)

but that’s not really the point of this post, its merely the groundwork being laid.

both in the figurative and literal sense of the word, since all of this nonsense really pertains to a conversation that i had this past friday.

tapas in chicago aren’t quite the same as they are in spain, but i certainly do enjoy noshing on a few while downing a pitcher (or two) of sangria.

that night, my friend and i had secured a spot at café iberico (which is quite a feat unto itself) and were busily stuffing our faces with monkfish paella, patatas bravas, tortilla espanola, and queso de cabra (not quite as good as ba-ba-reeba but i don’t want to get sidetracked by that particular argument right now)***, and getting caught up with each others lives.

as the night progressed, our getting caught up segued quite nicely into all the sangria getting drunk up.

which is how i recklessly found myself asking her about the last time that she had had sex with someone. fortunately for me, she and i are very close and are quite comfortable talking about practically any topic; unfortunately for me, we generally tend to avoid sexual topics because of an unspoken fine line of sexual tension between us.

so much for that one, eh?

but that cat was out of the bag, so we certainly embraced the moment (and some more sangria) by having a relatively open discussion about our most recent sexual past.

which is certainly not a big deal, except for the fact that it became common knowledge that one of us hadn’t slept with someone in close to a year (eleven months to be precise). and even that is not that big of deal, except for the fact that one of us (and i cant even remember who) made a joke about making a promise that if the cold streak actually looked like it could potentially reach one year, we should promise to take one for the ‘team’ and break the streak together.

which is sorta not really a big deal. (ha!)

unfortunately i don’t really remember how serious we were when we said it (ha!).

the actual funny part of this whole discussion came the next morning when i (w/ an aching head) realized that she may have had an ulterior motive for having this discussion – i think she wanted to know if id hooked up with anyone in my most recent south american travels.

the question you have to ask is - how good is my poker face? ha!

*** there is a long standing argument amongst chicagoans about where the best tapas can be had. cafe iberico is lauded as one of the best - although i personally prefer cafe ba-ba-reeba (for its livelier atmosphere, and less pretentious wait times). emilio's tapas isnt even in the competition. ha!

6.6.05

i may be the ugly duckling

i hate being complacent.

i hate feeling like my life is boring and at a standstill.

i hate feeling like the rat race is kicking it to me, instead of the other way around.

fortunately i like change.

fortunately i can change.

fortunately i don't have anything that prevents me from doing so.

ive decided to revamp my life.

we're talking new friends. new living conditions. hell, maybe even a new city.

fuck it. im young. and im bored. fuck it all.

so i decided that i would consider getting a roommate.

nevermind that i don't need a roommate.

nevermind that i haven't had a roommate in 5 years.

nevermind im practically too old for one.

fuck it all.

i cant decide who i want to live (i.e. with a guy or a girl).

obviously there are advantages and disadvantages to both.

i told a friend of mine about my prospective roommate search and she said,

'wow thats great. it would be great if you had a hot guy roommate, but i know thats out of the question, since you're OBVIOUSLY going to end up living with a girl'

i don't know if i should be flattered or insulted (because its probably true).

fortunately life has a sick sense of irony - i checked out a place this weekend where i seriously would be considered the ugly roommate out of four other guys.

that was a blow to the ego - afterall, who the hell wants to be the 'grenade' that nobody wants to hook up with - or even worse, the guy who's girl is always WISHING that she was hooking up with his hot roommates instead.

i mentioned my concerns to my best friend, and he made a really good point - IF i did hang out with these guys, i would definitely be pulling better talent that i would on my own. so what if im picking up the other guyss scraps...

good point. i still may take the place (ha!)

1.6.05

dont fake the funk on a nasty dunk

it was the most natural thing in the world, even though i knew it was a mistake the moment it began.

the thought kept scrolling around my mind like one of those long billboards in time square – ‘wearesexuallyincompatible... wearesexuallyincompatible... wearesexuallyincompatible...’

as i lay there, i got dizzy from conceptualizing this swirling motion – i felt like one of those stupid earthlink commercial people – instead of a silly earthlink icon, i had a stream of words orbiting around my head.

and yet even tho my mind wasn’t in the game, my hands certainly were. which is how she found herself in the throes of ecstasy a mere five minutes after we had barely begun.

don’t worry, i had my doubts too.

but that’s natural – in a world full of meg ryan’s, its natural to expect a lil cheating from the fairer sex – even though i still haven’t figured out what a women wins by faking it.

life would be a lot simpler if every girl was like one of my ex’s – her entire body had a way of clenching and pulsating and throbbing and grabbing at you that literally blew my ‘mind’ – and if she was faking, she deserved to be in a circus soleil show because her muscle control was phenomenal. (ha!)

unfortunately ive yet to meet another girl like her, and since then ive decided to take my women at face value (because otherwise that means that they’ve been faking it ever since… an unlikely but not completely unfathomable possibility).

so as i pondered this possibility once again, i was momentarily distracted by her intention to give it another college try.

sometimes it amazes me the lengths that a women will go to, to protect a man’s ego – imagine asking for more of what must have been a ‘horrible’ experience . ha!

not that i was complaining.

because even tho my mind was in turmoil, and my conscience was feeling a little guilty, i was feeling pretty damn good myself.

which is the problem – feeling ‘damn good’ is probably not good for either of us. sure it’s a great form of exercise (yeah right), and it certainly is a great way to start the day (beats starbucks expresso any day of the week), but i cant help but wonder if we’re being self destructive.

we'd already had a bit of history. we’d tried this once before. we’d even had the ‘talk’ a long time ago.

and during that talk, i outlined all the reasons why we should NOT date. and although she respectfully disagreed, (as one of my close friends) she did respect my decision.

and now that things are the way they are, i find it difficult to imagine that the ‘talk’ wont rear its ugly head once again – now she’s being allowed to show the depth of her appreciation for my less than formidable primal ‘skillz’.

as the nights go by, it’s becoming more and more difficult to explain why we’re NOT dating. because even tho i appreciate the attention, and certainly enjoy the encouragement, i am still very adamant about my feelings towards developing any formal definition of ‘us’.

of course we should talk this through like adults.

of course we should discuss how each one of us feels about this ‘situation’.

of course we should stop encouraging each others bad sexual habits by ‘faking’ appreciation for each others less than stellar efforts.

of course we should, but where would the fun be in that? ha!

i want to write like zulieka ~