ive written some semblance of these words approximately twenty million times. each time i begin to write this post. and each time i stop mid sentence (mid paragraph) – out of sheer frustration at my inability to describe the exact feelings and emotions that i felt this weekend. whats even worse is that this flaccid writing only serves to irritate and exacerbate the magnitude of my annoyance – an emotion which ironically makes it even harder for me to describe the situation that has me annoyed in the first place.
so bear with me.
this story begins over coffee. LOTS of coffee.
every saturday i get up at eight am to volunteer in a supplemental teaching program for less-than-privileged children on the southwest side of chicago. although this program is designed to provide tutoring for inner city kids, in reality it provides so much more. most of these children need academic support, good role models, and most of all love and attention – and it is a great feeling to be apart of something that provides all three. this is a phenomenal program, and my heart goes out to all of the people who organize it, and all of the volunteers who participate in it.
(if you are not volunteering in your community, you should think about doing so.)
now that ive given you my ‘volunteering’ guilt trip, i think its important to point out that it takes a certain type of person to volunteer on a saturday morning (we’re talking eight am every saturday). i find that people who volunteer tend to be very philanthropic, extremely caring, and just a little bit nutty.
the nuttiness is almost a prerequisite considering the ungodly hour that we volunteer at. keep in mind that while the majority of my peers are sleeping off the remnants their weekend debauchery, i am downing cups of coffee and sobering up amongst the company of little kids (just kidding… sorta ha!).
i find that coffee is KEY when it comes to a successful volunteering experience, so i usually make a bee-line for the caffeine when i get to our meeting location. this past saturday was no exception. that morning i walked in, poured myself a cup of coffee, and then immediately went to talk to the only person in the room that i wanted to talk to.
i had spotted her as i walked in the door, but tried to play it ‘cool’ by taking an extra moment to grab a cup’a jo. the person in question was a girl that i had volunteered with two months ago – we had volunteered together two months ago, and we hadnt spoken since. (our program is on a completely voluntary basis, thus volunteers tend to appear and disappear based on their schedule, and or their preference).
we spent four hours in a classroom of third graders – which is not exactly what you would call a ‘connection’. and yet i really want to pretend that there was ‘something’ there (then again this could just be my imagination) . we had gotten along really well, and i wasn extremely disappointed when she hadn’t shown up to volunteer the following week. two months later, i had pretty much given up on the idea of the two of us ever meeting again.
which is why i dragged my cup of coffee over to her and immediately said hello. which sounds like a lame opener and it was a lame opener, but in the end it worked out quite well (then again this could just be my imagination). because as soon as i said her name, she turned around, said hello, and remarked at how she was impressed that i had remembered her name.
it wasn’t lost on me either, that she had remembered mine too.
over coffee, we talked. and apparently we both remembered a lot more than each others name. i wont speak for her, but i was impressed. what impressed me even more was the way she talked – she was engaging, she was excited – for some reason i really dig a girl who is enthusiastic about life.
i can barely remember what we talked about, i simply remember the enjoyment of our conversation.
and that’s when things started going down hill.
i started feeling like sonic the hedgehog when a friend of mine (who also volunteers) joined our conversation. i use the term ‘join’ very loosely, since this particular girl likes to be the center of attention, and enjoys generating drama if she’s not. normally im semi-supportive and accommodating, but in this particular case i was slightly irritated because it threw off the conversation that we’d been having.
it felt like a puppy had suddenly entered my life and refused to leave until i played fetch. in reality she merely interrupted us and started talking about herself.
but i took the bait. i stupidly picked up the stick and threw it, only to have the stick dropped at my feet again, and the puppy adamantly waiting for me to pick it up and rethrow it.
it’s a sad state of affairs when you’re cock-blocked by an imaginary puppy. ha!
but i cant blame my friend, just like i cant blame the puppy either. she should have known better but my rapport with two month girl shouldn’t have been so flimsy that a mere interruption could throw it off.
and flimsy we weren’t. we did get thrown off, but we also did recover. my friend suckered me into sitting with her on the bus ride over – which equates to another wasted opportunity – but i DID recover once we arrived at our destination. as we waited for our kids to arrive, i took it upon myself to talk about an upcoming scuba diving trip that im planning – dare i say that nothing impresses someone like a person’s penchant for nutty sporting activities?
i was hoping that girls are impressed by a man’s passion for nutty sports... unfortunately im not sure if that’s how it works (although i hope that it is – i WAS trying to be impressive. ha!).
i cant speak for the fairer sex, (hell) i cant (necessarily) speak for men either – but i will say that i am PERSONALLY very impressed when a women is passionate about participating in an ‘extreme’ sporting activity. nothing impresses me more than a women who runs marathons, competes in swim competitions, bungee jumps, cliff dives, rock climbs, etc.
needless to say, i was quite smitten when her response to my conversation was to not only chime in with her experiences diving off of the coast of belize, but also mention her experience sailing mackinac, and running a triathalon.
i hate being the fucking smitten kitten (damn you phoebe!).
and that’s how this story ends.
because even though we played with the kids for another three hours (and i had many opportunities to spend a little more time getting to know her, i didn’t).
i blew it. big time.
i stupidly voluntarily took a seat next to another girl on the busride home – i somehow missed talking with her during lunch – and (best of all) i simply let her leave without getting her number or asking her out.
BIG TIME.
sure i can point out that she came upto me in the middle of the day and grabbed my arms to shake me like a rag doll when she was excited. i could also point out that she came over to say goodbye before leaving (a perfectly blown opportunity to pull her aside).
BIGFUCKINGTIME.
and the worst part is that i could be making this ALL up in my head. maybe i don’t stand a chance. hell im pretty sure i don’t. a girl like her – someone who is stunningly beautiful and athletic, and intelligent, and charismatic is NOT single.
actually scratch that. the absolute worst part isn’t that i could be making all of this up – the absolute worst part is that i never took the chance to ask her out so i don’t even KNOW if im making this up or not.
this weekend will be my last opportunity to volunteer during this school year. perhaps i will get ONE more chance to find out if im writing fact or fiction.
we shall see.
‘i didnt know it back then, but i was a harbinger of a massive trend. like most modern singles, i wasnt just looking for a suitable spouse, i was soul-mate searching. although i disliked the phrase's new age connotations, i counted myself among the 94 percent of my fellow never-marrieds who, when asked in a gallup poll, agreed that when you marry you want your spouse to be your soul mate first and foremost. along with my friends, i discovered that searching for a soul mate wasnt so easy. although i dated smart and charming women, the soul-mate standard i tried to apply was so elusive in my own mind that any disgruntlement could become a reason for the big ‘what-are-we-doing?’ talk. i wasnt looking for that certain ‘something’ (a friend once cruelly observed), i was looking for that certain ‘everything’’ – ethan watters
