the search for 'neo'...

27.3.04

forest for the trees

what do you do if you're given a second chance? what do you do, when you get an early morning phone call holding out an olive branch? do you answer and pick up where you left off? or do you try to ignore it and keep on thinking?

just like everyone in the history of breakups, my ex girlfriend vowed not to call me. and just like everyone, in a moment of weakness, she called me up one morning. and to be honest i was happy to hear from her. sometimes (especially with all thats been going on around the north side) i worry that something could happen to her. lincoln park is like that... it gives you the false impression that youre completely safe, which makes it that much harder to keep your guard up. eventually you get lulled into letting your guard down and POW!! all of that disappears. sometimes you see it coming, and sometimes it sneaks up and scares the crap out of you. hmmm just like 6am break up calls... POW!!!

it was a moment of weakness, on both our parts. she called, but i was glad. and it got me thinking... 'what if'? what if we get a chance to really "talk"? what if we can work things out? what if this is what we both need to recharge our batteries and keep the ball rolling? when 'what if' likes to crash a party, she likes to brings along her hot lesbian sister 'why not' (afterall who can resist lesbian sisters)? why not talk a little longer? why not meet up for a drink? why not hook up again (ya know for old times sake)? it all sounds so harmless. it all sounds so easy.

personally i usually like to make a clean break. the whole "lets be friends" thing never works... at least not right away. you need 6 months to 2 years to get to that point. and even then it can still be a little wierd. maybe i missed my maturity pill during middle school, but im still not "ok" with seeing an ex girlfriend either A) flirt heavily with some pretty boy B) make out hardcore with some dood C) tell me about her feelings after participating in scenarios A and B. even if we're ancient history, it still doesnt sit well with me.

so if thats my modus operandi, why am i even entertaining 'what if' and 'why not'? for me its normal to flirt a little with 'what if'. what if is HOT and definately has some sex appeal. i still wonder if ill ever bump into an old girlfriend of mine who i had significant sparkage with in the past... what if we meet and the 'looks' and the sparks are still there? what if... 'what if' can be cool, but i normally dont let 'why not' shake her thang too much. its too tempting... too easy. if its easy im automatically suspicious. if its too easy, im definitely out like a trout.

ok... so i not only let 'why not' crash my party, but im letting her work her magic on me, and its starting to wear me down. im trying to be good, and keep my guard up. but why keep fightin' the good fight... afterall, isnt this what i wanted? didnt i want more time? didnt i want more time with her to see if i could 'know'? so why not? just give it a try...

maybe ive seen too many 80's DARE Just Say No! advertisments, but part of me is really screaming NO!!!!! not because i dont want to. not because im not tempted. not because i dont want to throw caution to the wind and let the chips fall where they may... but because it doesnt seem to fix anything. its like offering a bandaid to a hemophiliac with a knife sticking out of them. the worst part is that my ex is the hemophiliac and SHE's the one who's asking for the bandaid. shes the one who wanted me to think faster and decide quicker... shes the one who was concerned about the seriousness of my feelings for her... shes the one who didnt want to waste anymore time.

ok... so those are her problems. HERS. if shes come to terms with her concerns and wants to talk things out... well why not? (HA!). afterall i wasnt the one who called her at 6 am to breakup. but the seed has been sowed, and now ive got fucking crabgrass sprouting everywhere. ive had a week to think... and since i didnt think re-connecting was an option, i should have had enough time to convince myself that i was better off without her, than i was with her.

if the two of us can't (or refuse to) change, why bother? ah! very good question! 'why bother' is 'why nots' pesky little brother, he likes to tag along sometimes and mess up his sisters evening plans.

fortunately if its one thing that i dont worry too much about, its is our (both my ex-girlfriend, and I) ability to adapt and change when the situation arises. whether or not we're willing to (or too stubborn to), well thats a different story.

my ex girlfriend's flexibility is part of what makes her an amazing person. she offers everything that i want, but does she offer everything that i need? like for instance, (and i hate to admit this) but sometimes i need a swift kick in the ass to get me going in the right direction (i can be stoopid - or stubborn - like that). i need a strong woman to keep me on the straight and narrow. otherwise i just might miss the forest for the trees. do you see the irony?

26.3.04

shame on me

weekend #1

this weekend was the first weekend of the rest of my live. thats my new mantra. or at least thats what ive been telling myself lately.

yep, thats right. this was the first weekend that ive been "out there" in over a year and a half. what exactly does that mean? basically it means that although ive greatly enjoyed my time away from the whole singles-dating scene, i am no longer under the protective umbrella of my previous relationship. i guess its time to get out there with the other meet-heads to enjoy some "witty" repetoire with random people.

so far im not impressed.

but thats to be expected. i didnt expect to go out this weekend and meet the love of my life (because who knows, maybe ive already met her... maybe i was just dating her). in fact i probably would have been happier sitting at home waxing intellectual and bloggin' my ass off than i was gallavanting out'N'about. but it had to be done. why? maybe because it was my first opportunity to gut-check my recent relationship implosion. or maybe because it was my first chance to go out and take my mind off all the unanswered questions i have. but finally maybe it had to be done because I (like all men in serious relationships - at one time or another) went through a period where despite being seriously involved with the most amazing, charming, funny, intelligent and beautiful woman EVER, still felt like i was missing out. missing out on what???

"i missed [in the past] the not knowing. the possibilities were too pungent, the scenarios too many. it was about more than breasts and asses and the wispy hairs on the backs of women's necks. but it was also about breasts and asses and the wispy hairs on the backs of woman's necks." -the search for the perfect woman

call it cold feet... fear of commitmment... wandering eyes... a passing phase.. whatever. plain and simple, men are idiots. and even tho i consider myself a more highly evolved version than some of my male counterparts, i still awknowledge that i too can be an idiot. i too am susceptable to stupid doubts, stupid thoughts, stupid temptations. at least i recognize these for what they are. or maybe i dont even recognize them at all. maybe ive been fooling myself this entire time... maybe im as dumb as everybody else... in fact maybe i'm even dumber, because i thought i had it all figured out to begin with. ha! shame on me.

but back to this weekend. im not a big advocate of the fall-off-the-horse-get-right-back-on school of thought; rather im a firm believer in taking some time off before diving back in. i usually like to take some time to re-group and re-assess. afterall, how can i go back to lookin' for someone new, when i still have a million un-answered questions about my ex-girlfriend bumpin' and grindin in my noggin? i still have alot to think through... but we'll be getting to more of that later this week.

so why go out? well the easier lie for me to swallow is that it's st. paddys weekend, and its a terrific opp to go out and have a good time. i mean c'mon! st pat's in chicago is off the hook! i would be mad stupid not be going out on a weekend like this. but closer to the truth, and harder to swallow, is the fact that my ex-girlfriend will definately be out this weekend. she'll be out this weekend with a bunch of friends, definately living it up, and definately do the whole meat'N'greet. she might not be having a terrific time without me (i could only hope), but i will gaurantee that she WILL be meeting plenty of new guys who would be jumping at the opportunity to replace me.

so i guess its safe to say (although im not proud of it) that stupid pride/jealousy motivated me to go out this weekend. and its also safe to say that despite my best efforts i had a pretty worthless weekend. because even tho i met plenty of nice people, i would still have preffered to stay in and relax. but such is the way it goes. shame on me (twice).

at least i got that out of my system early, so that i can get back to business. i need some time to think, so that's what im gonna be doing... for now.

24.3.04

the posterboy

i like to think of myself as a hopelessly romantic realist. my ex-girlfriend may try to disagree with this fact, (my pragmatism begets conservativism begets pessimism begets realism) BUT i will respectfully disagree. afterall how can you tell me that im not a hopeless romantic? how can you say that, when i believe in kitschy shit like true love, soul mates, the one, the perfect girl for me etc etc. i should be the posterboy of romantics everywhere!

unfortunately this posterboy is also an oxymoron. afterall, how can i be logical, methodical, and realistic in both action and thought, and yet feel so strongly about something that ive never seen nor touched, nor experienced. now before you get confused, i want to clarify that im not talking about love; i have loved and been in-love before. love is a giddy high that you never want to come down from... but if youve been paying attention to my posts, obviously im not nearly as giddy as i used to be.

whats amazing about believing in all that "stuff", is that we continue to do so, even after failed relationship after failed relationship after failed relationship. i dont (just like most of you) consider all of my relationships failures. some were ideally suited for the moment, fulfilling a need, an itch, an urge, a void. on that basis, its hard to say that they were failures. but to put it quite simply, they didnt go the distance (and maybe they werent supposed to). its sad to say, but every relationship that we've committed to will eventually fail. there is just one exception, and that happens only as your very last relationship (if it even happens). woah! thats alot of pressure to throw out there. but its the truth. my past relationships... all came to the end. i expect that my most of my future relationships will come to an end too. all except one (hopefully).

i wonder what Pavlov would have to say about our kamikaze dating behavior? it makes me think of fraternity hazing, "SMACK!!! thank you sir, may i have another". it makes me think of going an unknown number of rounds in the ring with a cross between mike tyson and muhammad ali. people who believe in the one are the energizer bunnies of relationships. we keep on going, and going, and going, and going.

why do we do it? where did this idea come from? how did we get this way? i guess more importanly how did i get this way? in case you REALLY havent been paying attention, im a guy. im not supposed to care about relationships and soul mates. shouldnt i be more concerned with t & a?

those are all great questions, but unfortunatley this is only my third post and i dont think we've made enough progress to unravel all of these thoughts. for now, im going to keep my nose clean and keep my eyes peeled... because ya never know.

23.3.04

she found me (not)

my skull is still reverberating with the irony of this situation. its even more ironic that im writing about this situation here, since this blog is one of the key players in this tale... but lets start at the beginning.

last night i posted my first entry into this blog; a blog that is intended to be my mumble and tumble thoughts about love, relationships, and finding the one. this morning (6am to be precise), my girlfriend breaks up with me.

why you may ask? because i didnt know if she was the one. KNOW being the key word here. part of the reason for this whole excersise was to sort out all my thoughts about her; because i really thought she could have been the one! but i didnt know... yet. and perhaps now i never will.

which brings me to my first point: how do you know if youve found the one?

lets forget for a second about all the hoops that we go through to actually find the one, im simply asking how do you know if youve found them? some people will say that you "just know". if you ask what exactly does "just knowing" feel like, you'll usually just get a shrug or some vague answer. now im not bashing them for not knowing what knowing feels like... hell, they get mad props for just finding it in the first place. but it nonetheless puts me in quite a quandary.

ok, lets accept this "just know-ing" business and proceed to the next question... when do you know if youve found the one?

i can accept that when you meet your "soul mate" that you will definately feel something different. lets not get into, how different and how do you know (see above). im more concerned with WHEN you feel this difference. some people will say that you "just know" as soon as you meet someone. if that rule holds true for everyone, then there should be no second dates. hell!!! there should be no first date either; you meet, you talk for 2 seconds and you either "know" or you dont. and if you dont "know" you keep on looking. to make matters more outrageous, if you DO know, then you should just get married on the spot. afterall if you already know, why wait?

this approach just doesnt work for me. if it did, that would mean that either everyone who is married is finding the one, or everyone is giving up and settling for somebody else. i imagine that its alot of the later and not much of the former, but nonetheless i still call bullshit!!!

so where does this leave me? well lets recap what we've "learned". when you find the perfect person for you, you just "know". when do you know? well you either know that she's the one immediately OR youll know sometime later. which brings us to the final question of the day: if you suspect, but don't "know" that someone is the one, when should you know by?

thats the real kicker for me in all of this. i dont care so much about HOW you know, i just want to know WHEN you should know by. i mean is there a cutoff date? if i dont know by X number of days, weeks, months, years, then i should presume its never going to happen?

logically, this seems to make the most sense. dating is designed to give us an idea of what a person will be like in various situations (both good and bad). from that we can also learn how we will react in the same situation with them. it gives us the opportunity to learn more about them (and conversely they learn more about us). shouldnt we experience this "knowing" sometime during the dating process?

which brings this whole discussion back to me. im alone (now) because i didnt "know" that my girlfriend was the one. no matter how hard i tried, no matter how much i thought about it, i didn't "know". at least i didnt "know" enough to commit the rest of my life to her (yet). but she could have been the one (if only i had been given enough time to find out).

Note: i totally understand that women do not want to spend time with a guy if he's never going to take the next step (why buy the cow blah blah blah). but i also dont think that women should rush this process either.

22.3.04

it [always] continues...

i wonder if she will find this. people talk about fate. it would be fate if she found this blog and played connect the dots and figured out that this was me. there will be plenty of clues along the way, but i doubt that she will. then again... i somehow doubt that anyone will end up reading this... and although that hurts my narcissistic ego (afterall anyone who posts a blog to the web has to want some attention), i doubt that I will be too upset.

anonymity through mass-media consciousness


so lets fill in the gaps and get this shit-rocket rollin'. i'm 25. as people like to remind me... a quarter of a century old. 25 used to seem so old. now it seems so young. sounds cliche right? well, its hard to pretend to be an adult when i still can barely keep my acne under control. 25 is neither here nor there. its neither old nor young. instead its my own little slice of purgatory. unfortunately purgatory feels like a 25 lb weight around my neck... dragging me to the bottom. i should kick myself for complaining. god would (may) strike me dead for being so ungrateful. im so fortunate that i dont even know how to comprehend how good i have it. yet my mind always seems to find a way to fuck it all up.

how so? long story short... i wrestle on a daily basis with the future. thumbwars, indian leg wrestling, ultimate fighting championship... call it what you will. we throw down. its a mental smackdown between various thoughts over one topic, and one topic alone... the one.

who is the one? where is the one? have i already met her? have we dated? can she make me laugh? what does she look like? what will she look like 10 years after 2 kids? is she mentally and spiritually tough enough to make it work with me? is she flexible enough to grow old with me? will she cheat on me? how will we raise the kids? where will we raise the kids? it feels like i have relationship diarrhea in my head. where the fuck can i get some pepto for that?

sounds stupid right? well it is. but its the truth. i honestly think about this shit, and as long as i do, its going to get posted here. and so it goes... this blog will float out in space and will act as a canvas (or a garbage dump) for my thoughts about the one... and the search for the one.

if you're interested about what i have to say, stick around. if not, fuck off. like i said, i dont expect anyone to actually find this and read it. but if you do...so be it.