two thumbs up (a cheatin' repost from april 21st , 2004)***

'if you had to choose, which would you rather sacrifice: your penis or both of your thumbs?'

think about it for a second (substitute appropriate genitalia if you are not a man) and then continue reading.

this particular line of questioning came up over drinks in one of my favorite bars in felds point (b'more, MD), the green turtle. guys being the way guys are (or maybe its my friends being the way my friends are) tend to have these types of 'philosophical' discussions over a round (or ten) of drinks. our tables were littered with lots of 'dead bodies' and we had just ordered another round, which means it was a perfect time to embark on a heated discussion about our penises.

lock and load, line 'em up and knock'em down. (chug... chug... chug!)

so around the table we went. thumbs... thumbs... thumbs... thumbs... penis.

apparently EVERYONE at the table was willing to trade in their opposable thumbs for a shot at keeping their ding-a-ling.

except for me.

'what da hell do you mean you'll sacrifice your thumbs for your penis!?!?! are you telling me that if lorena bobbitt comes over and asks you to choose, you're gonna gamely put your hands down on the cutting block?' -[me]

'yep' -[everyone else]

perhaps i wasnt drunk enough yet, or i was thinking about this too logically... but SERIOUSLY, these guys were willing to trade in appendages that they use every minute, of every day, to keep possession of a device that is lucky to see some action once or twice on friday & saturday night (and it cant even be depended upon to always work during those times either).

in any case, the night proceeded with much discussion and even some live demonstrations- try to imagine four inebriated fella's trying to pick up and drink their pints without using their thumbs to hold them. (it works surprisingly well) ha!

i had long forgotten this discussion, like many of the drunken discussions that ive had, until something came up this week. my girlfriend asked me if something was bothering me; if something was wrong. this isnt an unusual question for us; we both spend too much time thinking, and usually AT LEAST one of us is making a big deal out of nothing. but that wasnt the case this time round (at least not for me). i was keepin' my head down and my nose clean.

but what got the hamster wheel in my head really-a-spinnin' was WHY she thought something was rotten in denmark... she was worried because she felt that i wasnt AS interested in her physically as i normally was.

WOH! someone just dropped a proverbial deuce in the middle of my carpet.

and im embarrassed to say that she's right... right, but wrong at the same time. my girlfriend is gorgeous - smart, playful, sexy, funny --- totally a classic beauty. she's every man's wet dream- demure on the outside, a hellcat on the inside. i certainly dont deserve a girl like her.

but having said all that, i have to admit that i havent been paying enough attention to her, attention that she deserves. i dont think that im going to get into a big discussion about why - or more importantly why not. this topic is more for 'us' [my girlfriend and i] to discuss than for me to blog about.

*** ok tried to sneak away without airing my thoughts on this, but then i reconsidered. so here they are.

there are a myriad of factors that come out and play on this topic. ill try to cover a few, and let you imagine the rest.

timing has alot to do with it. more than she would care to admit. when it comes to sex between a man and a women, timing is everything. and there are just certain times that its more convenient to partake in the buffet than others. thats not to say that you CANT partake during this time, but if the man [i.e. me] isn't rip-off-his-pants horny, then it can be a very good reason to wave off the play. because lets face it, its not the most attractive time in a womens life.

i should also include the time before 'the time' in this equation, since (and i HATE to be the prototypical male) moody-mcpherson is not always an attractive lover to woo. sometimes its just easier to duck and hide away with a good book and wait for the storm to blow over. part of what makes my girlfriend so special is her fiery temperment and her exuberance for life; those attributes coupled with hormones that act like poprocks is like asking bobby knight to coach a HS women's basketball team.

now any (or all) female readers are probably going to staple me to a fence for saying all of the above, but i am willing to admit that not every reason for this situation is directly linked to my girlfriend. i will claim dual responsibility on this issue. so whats my problem(s)?

my biggest problem is that i can do without sex.

haha had you there for a second didnt i? what i really meant to say, is that i can do without sex... for a short period of time. meaning, that im not your typical man who cant get enough of the all-you-can-sex buffet. im not gagging for it. in other words, im not going to self-implode if i dont get my daily dose of ass. the problem is that since i dont miss it (until its been a noticeable amount of time), i dont recognize the cries for help.

the 'heynoteverybodycanturnitonandofflikeyoucomeoverhereandmakemequivertillthebedcollapses' cries for help. at least i dont hear them till it may be too late.

and thats not what you expect coming from a man. afterall, men are beings that tend to think more with the brain in their pants than they do with the brain in their ass (i mean head). so why am i so different? am i broken? hardly.

i would think that its a 'good' thing that im not dying of thirst when there is a drought; it means that i wont be climbing on my camel and running across the desert looking for another oasis's to sate my dry spell. logically it makes sense to wait around for the water to inevitably flow again. because when it rains... it pours.

i guess you could say that im as logical about sex as i am about relationships. i need sex just like i need a (perfect) relationship. but that doesnt mean ill get either. and im ok with that...for now. im willing to wait for the right time. because lets face facts, i would STILL rather have both of my thumbs than my penis. but who knows, that may change in the future.

quote of the day: sex is like air, you dont realize how important it is, until you dont have it anymore.

*** i thought it was appropriate to re-post this in order to keep with this weeks theme of sex. enjoy!

me, you, and a bottle of absinthe

the trouble with me is that i never appreciate what i have � even when im having it. this holds true for many things in my life, but has become an especially salient point ever since i realized that i cant remember having sex with someone� even while im having sex with them.

which sounds bad, but its not as bad as you think (or maybe it is).

now before you jump to conclusions, i want to clearly state that this has nothing to do with my good friends bombay and tonic (although they do like to crash the occasional party).

and this ALSO has nothing to do with the actual people that ive slept with. because none of them have been the type that id WANT to forget.

nope its something else (and im not talking about roofies). ha!

it�s the oddest thing - when im in the middle of everything� im in the middle of everything.

but afterwards, when i look back on a particularly active evening, i sometimes feel like a disembodied third party thinking about two strangers gettin �christina aguilera� (i.e. diiiiirty) with each other.

on one hand im high fivin� and doin my touchdown dance, and then on the other hand im wondering who the hell is fucking in my bed.

but it gets worse!

like most men, after a marathon of mind blowing physicality, i generally fall into a post coital slumber. which (apparently) is the equivalent of drinking a bottle of absinthe � a complete mind eraser.

when i wake up, i know that ive slept with someone (and who that someone is) but generally im a little foggy about the details. in fact part of me wants to question whether anything has happened at all.

its not meant to be personal. its not meant to be an affront. its just something that happens. its almost as if im shocked by the fact that somebody not only wants to, but actually has slept with me. ha!

which is perplexing and sometimes very annoying � this past weekend i found myself lamenting my �cold streak�, only to realize that A) im not on a cold streak and B) the person listening to my �sorrows� is one of the people that ive slept with.

as my good friend aaron karo likes to say, 'fuck me!'

moolah bling

it is said that money matters can weigh more heavily on a friendship than the actual weight of the gold exchanged.

which is an important message even though we no longer trade in gold, and dollar bills hardly weigh a thing.

its still a good idea not to let friendship and money mix.

but of course this is always easier said then done.

everyone�s threshold is different when it comes to matters of friendship and money.

some people may feel comfortable lending someone several thousand dollars for a start up.

while other people may barely feel comfortable buying two consecutive rounds of drinks at the bar .

most people will be quick to point out that it all depends on how long you�ve known someone for, and how close the two of you are.

which is a great point, but i still think that its important to try and keep money and friendships separate for as long as possible.

because it�s a very slippery slope once alice falls down the rabbit hole.

personally, im on the fence about friends and money matters.

im comfortable sharing �the love� and buying a round or few for friends (or strangers alike), however money matters start getting dicey when the amount exchanging hands flips from two to three digits.

that�s when i start squirming like a five year old on a ten hour car ride.

but of course it all depends on how long i�ve known someone for, and how close the two of us are.

or at least that�s what i THOUGHT.

because apparently when denominations jump from hundreds to thousands, all bets are off.

which (in my humble opinion) is absolute shite.

don�t get me wrong � we�re hypothetically talking about a lot of effin money, so caution is absolutely necessary. but i also think that the rules outlined above should still apply.

either way, i think its important to talk things out IF that kinda money is in play. because if you don�t, friendships can be tested or even destroyed by the complications that money can bring.

it ain�t a party without complications.

which was never as clear to me as when i forwarded my resume to a friend.

seems simple right? ask a friend to help you look for a job.

point. click. shoot.

things became slightly more complicated. immediately.

i was contacted by his company�s recruiter, within a day of submitting my resume.

one day.

either my friend has major contacts (possible) �or- they are really interested in talking to me about opportunities with their company (also possible).

so far so good, right?

wrong.

imagine the biggest pinkest elephant that you�ve ever seen.

now imagine me and my friend in a small room with said elephant.

now imagine me and my friend excitedly ignoring said elephant, as it proceeds to stomp, snort and kick all of the furniture inside the room. i mean shit is FLYIN�. love seats are being smashed to smithereens. dining room tables are crushed in half, and then flattened completely. midgets are bouncing off of sofa beds and onto chopping blocks.

its anarchy.

and all my friend and i can do is placidly sit smiling at one another � while completely ignoring the mayhem or the pink elephant in the room.

now i will be the first to admit that i did not expect such a ruckus from a simple resume handoff. i certainly did not expect a one day turnaround, or follow discussions to fly so fast and so furious.

but they did.

which is GREAT! i am ecstatic.

but before i proceed, let me clearly state that i don�t have the job (yet).

i may never have the job (ever).

i don�t even know if i even want the job (at all).

but it is a possibility that i could get the job (in the future).

which would be fantastic � if not for validation that im on the right career path, then as a potential growth option.

i want the job (offer).

but if i get the job (big if), and i accept the job (maybe), and i survive my first couple of months on the job (likely), ill be forced to continue ignoring the big fluffy pepto bismo elephant with a rage problem.

because therein lies the situation � if i get the offer, if i accept the offer, if i stay with the company for X hoursdaysmonthsyears� my friend will reap the benefit of a referral fee.

which is great for him and great for me.

but im doing all of the work.

cue the elephant meelee.

now normally, im all about sharing �the love�. but this happens to be seven thousand dollars worth of love.

which is a helluva lot of love � surely there�s plenty to go round?

so i broached the subject.

and was immediately chastised for doing so.

because i was �putting him in a tough spot�.

it was �uncool� for me to bring up money matters with him, and that i shouldn�t allow money to come between our friendship. according to him, i was breaking an �unwritten code� of referral ethics.

apparently referral fee�s are on the same level as secret samurai societies, and tony soprano .

and on a certain level, i concede that his bullshit holds a little bit of water.

had he been a random stranger, an acquaintance, a friend of a friend, a former co-worker etc. i would never have mentioned it.

but he wasn�t. he was somebody that ive known for close to six years.

six years of babes, beers, booze and barfing.

six years where money never came up as an issue� until now.

and its HARDLY an issue.

but its still an issue.

because if the tables were turned, and i was referring a friend, i would share the love.

maybe i wouldn�t break it fifty-fifty (i don�t expect that from him either), but fair is fair. a portion of the proceeds should go to the referree (on top of everything else they are able to negotiate). i think its good faith � and good policy to give back a (albeit) smaller portion of the fee back to the person who actually did the work in the first place.

a random stranger, an acquaintance, a friend of a friend, a former co-worker etc. may not expect anything. but a good friend would definitely appreciate the sentiment.

but my friend was right, it does feel wrong to ask about his referral fee. but on the flipside, i think its wrong that he never mentioned it to begin with either. he may think that im allowing money to come between our friendship, but i believe that it�s the other way around. in either case, ive said my piece (and he�s said his). until he mentions it again, i shall not speak another peep about this topic to him.

i hope he thinks this decision through carefully.

money matters can weigh heavily on a friendship, and nothing weighs more than a pink fluffy elephant.

too much of a good thing

sometimes being a moron can be a good thing.

for instance, a cute girl called me a moron this weekend.

and i was being moron

so i acknowledged that she was right, and i was being a moron.

which made her laugh because its not every day that a guy will admit that a girl is right -or- that he�s a moron.

in fact it�s a very special day when a guy will admit both.

sometimes its good to do that just to bring a smile to a cute girls face.

and sometimes its good to do that just to acknowledge the truth.

because i was being a moron.

but i was being a moron not without good reason.

because sometimes being a moron can be a good thing.

and in this particular case, it was a very good thing.

because i was being a moron about a girl.

and there is never a better reason to be moronic than being moronic about a girl.

but try explaining that to a girl, especially the cute friend of the girl in question, and you�re liable to get a lot of blank looks and several long lectures.

which are all justly deserved, but not (necessarily) wholly justified.

sometimes being a moron can be a good thing.

to be continued�

its always you.

don�t be that way.

its not you... its me.

i know... i know.

those words are clich�.

those words are hurtful.

but in this case, they�re true!

you have to know that i never meant for it to be this way.

you have to know that i never meant for �us� to end.

maybe ive been kidding myself, but ive always thought that we would be together -forever.

i know it sounds cheesy.

i know that the statistics don�t support it.

i know that each passing year has made it less and less likely that we�d stay together.

but i still thought we could make it.

i still thought that we had a chance.

i still thought that you and i would be together... forever.

and im sorry to have let you down.

because it wasn�t you who changed -it wasn�t you who strayed from our relationship.

(it was me)

and there�s nothing i can do or say that will adequately justify my actions.

it was wrong of me to look elsewhere for comfort.

it was wrong of me to look elsewhere for comfort when i should have looked to you first

like i said, its not you... its me.

well... listen. i don�t want this to be a blame game, but, since we�re on the subject...

i think part of me feels (and has felt) neglected for a really long time.

i know that�s not a good excuse, but sometimes it really hurts when you pay more (attention) to everyone else, while you barely acknowledged me at all.

i know that you were trying to balance everyone out, but sometimes i cant help but feel like i need to watch out for numero uno.

afterall, if i don�t watch out for myself... who will?

yeah i know. i KNOW...

i have to stop being so selfish -i have to stop monopolizing your time.

yes, you�re right. there has to be a balance.

but sometimes... sometimes i want to say :

FUCK balance.

FUCK everyone else.

FUCK this shit.

what is in it for FUCKING me?

i mean ive been here for you. through thick and through thin. through hardships, and turmoil, through long days and longer nights. ive been here... for you!

shouldn�t i get preferential treatment?

shouldn�t i get the support and the love that i deserve?

shouldn�t i be your number one priority?

and yet you�ve made it abundantly clear that i am NOT priority one.

i am a priority, but not THE priority.

and i cant live like this anymore. i cant... continue with this lie.

i need more.

i need more than this.

i need more than you are willing to offer.

(exit stage left -curtain falls to the sound of footfalls from a dejected soul)

isnt it funny how an imaginary conversation with your job sounds a lot like an imaginary conversation with your imaginary girlfriend... dontchya think? ha!

'so shut up, shut up, shut up... you'll never stop me... nothing you say today... is gonna bring me down' - a simple plan

karen accurately describes my dilemna ~ bellow makes a good point about butt creepage ~