the search for 'neo'...

21.3.06

mother russia


i have a brand new toy

its not flashy

or shiney

or even really that fun to play with

but it IS time consuming

and strangely addictive.

so if i haven’t been blogging, its because all my free time is going to something else.

but dont be jealous of my new obsession with match.com, because lets face it, anyone who uses match.com is kinda sad.

which is how i should feel.

but i don’t.

you know why?

because match.com is effin hilarious.

***

my first ‘match’ was a russian mail order bride.

it was awesome.

she was tall, blond, gorgeous, and way out of my league.

so i winked.

and she winked back.

so i wrote her a quick anonymous email.

and she wrote me one back…

she told me all about herself, where she was from, what she liked to do, who she wanted to be with (typical match.com fare). she said she felt a connection with me, and directed me to contact her using her ‘real’ email.

uh huh… im not falling for that one.

the ‘real’ email wasn’t the tip off – the tipoff was the whole ‘im a poor HOT blond girl who lives in a kibbutz in the motherland and all i want is a man to keep me warm at night’ schtick.

im not even sure if there ARE kibbutz’s in mother russia.

those russian-mafia-mail-order-bride-green-card-needing scams are TRICKY sometimes. ha! but even tho i knew it was a trick, even tho it was SO obvious that this was an attempt to defraud me (probably a couple emails down the line), a small aspect of my psyche pulled on my groin and actually made me feel (hope? remorse? wishful thinking?) for poor poor super model natasha.

afterall, i COULD be wrong about her... couldnt i? hah!

despite my nagging doubts, i didnt write back.

but i did think about playing along with the ‘game’.

i think i could have convinced them to send me noodie pics of her.

probably, but then again probably not.

in the end it probably woulda cost me my mastercard or something.

which is why i just dropped it and LAUUUGHHED my ass off.

what a way to start my online internet dating experience.

***

match.com can warp your mind.

when i think of girls – when i see girls on the street – i don’t think of them as women.

don’t get me wrong, i don’t objectify them as just tits and ass, i just objectify them as ‘slender’ or ‘firm and toned’ or ‘a couple extra pounds’ etc.

these are the categories that match.com uses to 'describe' your body type.

and there are a lot of girls on match.com who think they’re in one category when they’re really in another.

i want to write them and say YOU ARE A LIAR!

but that would be mean.

so instead i LAAAAUUUUGGHHHH my ass off some more

***

i would love to say that im incredibly successful at this online dating gig.

but im not.

ive winked at a couple of girls – and when that didn’t work, i started writing detailed emails.

i didnt even use form emails (hi ______, my name is ______. i think we have alot in common. you like ____. i like it too) ha!.

and i still don’t get responses.

it’s a pretty big blow to your ego, when you realize that on paper (on the net), you SUCK as a potential boyfriend.

of course, im also batting WAY out of my league.

why flirt with ugly girls, when its all virtual reality?

***

i think every relationship should be based on three things - trust, friendship, and truth.

which is why its effin hilarious that EVERY single girl in boston (at least on match.com) absolutely loves the REDSOX, and DOESN’T fucking smoke.

every SINGLE one of them.

yeah fucking right.

because if you believe that, i know a really lonely blond girl in russia who would love an email from you. ha!

9 comments:

  • Ooh, I had some interesting experiences with match.com myself, including being invited to join my date's S&M club on the first date. They're not all losers, though... I'm living with one of my matches now. And you're there, right?

    By Blogger the Caitlinator, at 3/22/2006 7:45 AM  

  • Maybe only the girls in Boston who love that team and choose to not inhale use Match.com. *shrugs* It could happen. Not bloody likely but...it could.

    I have a friend who is chatting with someone she met online. They have graduated to phone calls as of two days ago after a week of talking. When I suggested that they get together as friends first, without all that "touchy feely romantic" stuff that he was afraid of getting involved in already, she said, "Oh, we hadn't thought of that." *wrinkles brow* If one of you is not wanting a romantic relationship and the other is not wanting just a sexual one but they both enjoy each other's company (through a phone line, anyway), why can't they try friendship first? *shrugs* I don't know. I'm confused. I went a different route, though, so I'm weird.

    I can't even figure out what I'd write on one of those websites where I was trying to "sell" myself to others. *ponders this* I don't find myself all that interesting, really.

    Too bad about your "hot Russian." *winks*

    By Blogger jess, at 3/22/2006 3:26 PM  

  • match.com? hahaha!

    but who am i to laugh? i mean i'm on match.com too. granted that i don't lie... (i'm really slender... trust me haha!)... but i don't put a pic up either. and i'm not even a member 'coz i can't be bothered to actually spend money on this.

    i've had some brief emails which fizzled. some random guys winking who i never wink back at 'coz they aren't my type. and only one guy who i emailed more regularly and actually did meet.

    he kinda just guessed my email address and emailed me. and he thought that maybe we were meant to be 'coz of the strange circumstances of how we met. well he was meant to be with a 25 year old jo afterall... just not with this one... yeah he's married now and we haven't contacted for a long time since.

    so what does that tell you? match.com? i'm moving on...

    By Blogger jo c, at 3/22/2006 7:42 PM  

  • ryc: oh and where's jughead? probably eating hahaha!

    By Blogger jo c, at 3/22/2006 7:43 PM  

  • call me superficial, but a picture is hella important if you're on a site called match.com. ha!

    perhaps its an asian thing? ive been contacted by a couple 'girls' who have no pictures, and hardly a profile. WHY THE HECK WOULD I WANT TO TALK WITH YOU... YOU COULD BE A DOOD FOR ALL I KNOW??? or, perhaps a russian mafiaso? ha!

    so i am very impressed that guys still consider you their soul mate, even tho they have no idea what you look like. i guess that says alot about your profile.

    match.com is sad. ha!

    cheers
    hooizz

    By Blogger hooizz, at 3/22/2006 8:41 PM  

  • btw jess - i must be on the fast track to match.com stardom - every girl ive 'chatted' has either dropped off completely OR gone straight to the 'lets grab a coffee and ______ somewhere'.

    but maybe thats just me.

    personally id rather go your route (isnt it SO much easier to find out if your compatible via their blog?). HELL at least its easy to figure out if they're good at sperlling and writing santanses and stuff.

    cheers
    hooizz

    By Blogger hooizz, at 3/22/2006 8:47 PM  

  • one of my best friends found his wife on match.com. i think that it is pretty hilarious, the online dating scene, but sometimes, if you give it enough effort or take more risks, you may find someone just right. :)

    somehow, i don't really think you have any problems finding girls through conventional means...

    By Blogger no milk, at 3/23/2006 5:12 AM  

  • oh paul, you flatter me so. ha!

    cheers
    hooizz

    By Blogger hooizz, at 3/23/2006 11:30 AM  

  • you are so evil. and I like it.
    happy match-making! lol.

    Sunnie

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3/23/2006 6:36 PM  

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