the search for 'neo'...

10.2.06

car pay muthafukkin dee em

to me, bloggin’ is a lot like dating...

you shouldn’t do it unless you actually want to.

and ever since i moved to boston i havent had much of an inclination to do either.

which is a total effin lie, because if i had the opportunity to do 'it', i would.

which is another effin lie, because i believe that people (i.e you and me) make our own opportunities – so if i haven’t blogged, and if i haven’t dated, its because im a slackass bitch and i haven’t been ‘seizing the day enough’.

which is kinda sorta true.

for instance,

i haven’t seized every opportunity that’s presented itself.

i didn’t call a cute doctor girl who gave me her number on new years eve. even tho she was cute and i really dug her vibe.

i tried to call, but not very hard.

i also haven’t taken the moment to blog down everything that’s happened, and every thought that ive had over the last two months. even tho alot has happened, alot has been thought, and alot has been forgotten.

i tried to write, but not very hard.

which is really the crux of this issue – why do something, if you’re not going try to do it right?

why call a girl that lives in RI, when you know that its not going to work out?

why write a work in progress, when you know that you don’t have the time to finish it?

why?

****

you tell me.

i totally effed up on the girl from new years.

she looked how i wanted her to.

(tall. short jacket over a dressy tank top, w/ tight jeans and a pair of heals. great auburn hair. clear blue eyes)

she acted how i wanted her to.

(bubbly. engaging. animated. vivacious)

she was who i wanted her to be.

(med school. well spoken. intelligent)

so why didn’t i call her?

i don’t know.

****

my best friend and i crashed a house party for new years.

small – intimate gathering, but surprisingly a decent amount of cute single girls.

i noticed her immediately – it was hard not to.

but i played it cool.

i grabbed a beer and started a conversation with my friend, and another guy.

the three of us clustered, until she segued into the group.

first she started talking to the dood. apparently they knew each other.

then she introduced herself and spoke to my friend.

whats your name? what do you do? how do you know the host? etc etc.

her laser-like concentration was directed at my friend – so much so, that i actually made a mental note that she had absolutely no interest in me whatsoever (but maybe my friend had a chance).

not even a glance in my direction.

im standing RIGHT there.

and she walks away.

no prompt.

no break in the conversation

no one saying, ‘hey laurie, come over here and check this out!’

she just picked up and left us.

so we dispersed.

the end.

****

im standing by the cocktail table picking over the drink selection when she floats back into the room.

and i don’t even remember how things started, but suddenly we’re talking.

i have no idea what we’re saying.

the words tumble and jumble out of my mouth, but i have no idea what they MEAN.

but it seems to be working, she’s smiling and nodding.

she’s laughing– an uproarious knock your head back laugh.

and every so often, she reachs out and touches my arm to emphasize her point.

point about what?

i don’t know.

but at that point in time, i didn’t really care either.

its all good in the hood

****

we talked for more than an hour.

but eventually our conversation waned (as conversations will) and we drifted apart.

the new year rang in, and i sang auld lang syne alone.

i didn’t mind

i had tried to position myself next to her for new years, but that shit only works in movies.

shortly after midnight, i convinced my friend to leave early so that we could catch last call at a local bar.

on our way out the door, i took a detour into the kitchen to say goodbye to the girl.

she gave me one of those, ‘oh you’re leaving?’ kinda looks.

she said, ‘let me give you my number in case you want to talk more about italy’.

i said yeah that would be great, and punched it into my cell.

she said, ‘let me give you my email address too.’

and clip clopped around the party looking for something to write with– eventually settling for an eye liner pen.

****

i forgot her name.

****

which is no reflection on her, im just horrible with names.

and i did call once – hoping to get her voicemail and find out what her name was…

but i never called back a second time.

****

i have my doubts over whether or not i misread that evening.

was it deliberate when she blew me off the first time?

was she interested and playing hard to get?

did i blow it?

why did i blow it?

or is this situation, and this blog entry the perfect example of not doing something right?

i don’t know.

4 comments:

  • i think that dating in general is just confusing. unfortunately i have no real answers for you. but i suppose if you really are somewhat interested, just email her. at least when she replies you will be able to know her name.

    oh and yeah i use blogger too though honestly i post the same stuff. except that i'm mostly on the other site and blogger is more for other people in my 'real life'. so we'll just keep it between us bout the other site k? :P

    By Blogger jo c, at 2/14/2006 3:14 AM  

  • *looks around* Hmmmm...I feel strangely comfortable here. Isn't this where I started? *winks*

    Your options, as you are already wise enough to know, I know, are to take a chance and just see or to drop the ball and forget that you've found what might be something. *shrugs* Neal had a friend who told him that I was too far away so what was the point in even continuing a relationship? We are 10 hours apart, two and a half states away from each other. Sometimes it isn't just about what it seems. Sometimes it's just about...connecting.

    When was the last time you felt connected, hooiz?

    By Blogger jess, at 2/14/2006 4:33 PM  

  • ARGH!!!! I cannot believe you let her go!!! Knowing my situation and being in my situation, I would never let great chances like that go...at least in the end you can always say you tried. I say go crazy and go for it!!! :)

    Oh yea, as for moi, I'm damn well telling the truth. :p No, it's not just new and exciting and bad. I HATE doing bad things. I'm really the typical goody good two shoes girl. Gosh! If a teacher graded me wrong, I have to let him/her know. Or take this one instance, I bought a shoe on a bad day and it was a size too small. I wore it for a while and then realized that it was too big. When I took the shoe back to exchange the lady looked at the heel and said that I had already worn it and that I cannot exchange it. I lied and said that I only wore it for a while and I didn't damage the heel. She finally let me exchanged the shoe, but I felt soooo terrible lying to her that I was trouble for a couple of days!

    I was soooooooo relieved when my husband finally found out that I wanted to laugh. I hate lying to him. I mean, I told him at first and then got such a negative reaction (yes...what was I expecting????) that I was afraid to do that afterwards.

    I also did not sleep with him. What we had was...totally emotional. Maybe that's worse...either way, things have finally wind down more or less...but I'll try to update whatever I can.

    By Anonymous Barb, at 2/14/2006 9:08 PM  

  • jo - your secret is safe with me.

    jess - ya know, our meeting is so far back in the halls of antiquity, that i totally forgot thats how you and i first cross paths... until i found your comments from way back in... 2004. holy toledo batman, thats 2 years!

    barb - you go sista.

    cheers
    hooizz

    By Blogger hooizz, at 2/15/2006 11:40 AM  

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