the search for sump’in sump'in

no matter whether you are searching for a new apartment, the right job, a potential roommate, or even ‘the one’, you’re bound to spend a lot of time pondering what you want, what you need, and what you cant live without.

finding exactly what you want can only be achieved by being honest, and specific about what your requirements are - anyone can find a low paying nine-to-fiver, a dumpy apartment, and somebody to live with – but we all know how hard it is to find the perfect apartment, the perfect job, the perfect roommate, or even the perfect significant other.

the good news is that most people have already thought about what they want, the bad news is that most people have no idea what they have to offer someone in order to get it.

because life is not a charity.

deep down, every single person (no matter how selfless they claim to be) is a selfish individual.

nobody trades nothing for something. its always an even trade of something for something.

the question becomes, what do you have to offer… what is your something?

most people will think of money as their first and foremost offering. which is extremely shortsighted considering that the vast majority of human interaction does not result in the exchange of tangible value.

friends, coworkers, parent, sibling, significant others… are these relationships that you can buy?

do you have to pay these individuals to maintain their relationship with you?

although most of us would be quick to say ‘no’, i would be equally quick to say ‘yes’. we may not pay these peoplewith money, but we do ‘pay’ them in other forms of currency.

companionship… knowledge… humor… friendship… happiness… support… can all be exchangeable currencies within the context of relationship. they are what i consider ‘value’, and the depth of your ‘value’, along with the breadth of your ‘value’s is what ultimately compose your self worth. the question you have to ask yourself is, do you know what your self worth is?

one (maybe two) of you know exactly what your self worth is. most of you may have a vague but uncertain concept of it.

and if you’ve never given it a thought, why not ask yourself these questions:

• why does someone want to hang out with you?
• why would someone want to learn more about you?
• why do people listen to you?
• why do people initiate contact with you?
• why do people stay in contact with you?
• why would somebody ask you out on a date?
• why would someone find you attractive?
• why is someone your friend?
• what value(s) do you have to offer?

try to think about these questions within the context of your professional, romantic, social, and family relationships - they are easy questions to answer, but sometimes the honest answers may not be what you expect.

for example: i have some people that i am ‘friends’ with for shallow reasons – they’re always available for a drink, they always have the hook up in a bar or club, they’re beautiful and it makes me feel good to be seen with them, their friends are hot and i want to hook up with them etc. etc.

its shallow, its not glamorous, but it’s the truth.

the question you have to ask is not – how do i live with myself (presumably for being so shallow), but what am i offering in return? what do they get from their relationship with me?

remember, life is not a charity.

perhaps they’re friends with me for the same reasons – being social, making them feel good, and the opportunity for a potential hookup… etc. or maybe they have different reasons altogether (perhaps it makes them feel superior to hang out with a chump like me). who knows what their motivations are. who cares what their motivations are. for the moment, i am fulfilling whatever they want (just as they do the same for me).

its all good in the hood, but occasionally it does make you think, right?

the following situations certainly made me think this weekend:

• a recruiter called to schedule an executive job interview even though i bombed the technical.

• a potential roommate wrote me to let me know that she had enjoyed meeting me, and was interested in the possibility of having me move in. not only is her apartment amazing, but she is also an accomplished independent women who has multimillion dollar men drooling over her ever day of the week. wha?

• a girl that id given my number to three weeks ago suddenly called and invited me to join her for a drink.

now i know what i want, and i know whats in it for me... but what do they want? and what do they THINK i have to offer?

only time will tell

chicana's dating suggestions (not that i necessarily agree) ~