shame on me

weekend #1

this weekend was the first weekend of the rest of my live. thats my new mantra. or at least thats what ive been telling myself lately.

yep, thats right. this was the first weekend that ive been "out there" in over a year and a half. what exactly does that mean? basically it means that although ive greatly enjoyed my time away from the whole singles-dating scene, i am no longer under the protective umbrella of my previous relationship. i guess its time to get out there with the other meet-heads to enjoy some "witty" repetoire with random people.

so far im not impressed.

but thats to be expected. i didnt expect to go out this weekend and meet the love of my life (because who knows, maybe ive already met her... maybe i was just dating her). in fact i probably would have been happier sitting at home waxing intellectual and bloggin' my ass off than i was gallavanting out'N'about. but it had to be done. why? maybe because it was my first opportunity to gut-check my recent relationship implosion. or maybe because it was my first chance to go out and take my mind off all the unanswered questions i have. but finally maybe it had to be done because I (like all men in serious relationships - at one time or another) went through a period where despite being seriously involved with the most amazing, charming, funny, intelligent and beautiful woman EVER, still felt like i was missing out. missing out on what???

"i missed [in the past] the not knowing. the possibilities were too pungent, the scenarios too many. it was about more than breasts and asses and the wispy hairs on the backs of women's necks. but it was also about breasts and asses and the wispy hairs on the backs of woman's necks." -the search for the perfect woman

call it cold feet... fear of commitmment... wandering eyes... a passing phase.. whatever. plain and simple, men are idiots. and even tho i consider myself a more highly evolved version than some of my male counterparts, i still awknowledge that i too can be an idiot. i too am susceptable to stupid doubts, stupid thoughts, stupid temptations. at least i recognize these for what they are. or maybe i dont even recognize them at all. maybe ive been fooling myself this entire time... maybe im as dumb as everybody else... in fact maybe i'm even dumber, because i thought i had it all figured out to begin with. ha! shame on me.

but back to this weekend. im not a big advocate of the fall-off-the-horse-get-right-back-on school of thought; rather im a firm believer in taking some time off before diving back in. i usually like to take some time to re-group and re-assess. afterall, how can i go back to lookin' for someone new, when i still have a million un-answered questions about my ex-girlfriend bumpin' and grindin in my noggin? i still have alot to think through... but we'll be getting to more of that later this week.

so why go out? well the easier lie for me to swallow is that it's st. paddys weekend, and its a terrific opp to go out and have a good time. i mean c'mon! st pat's in chicago is off the hook! i would be mad stupid not be going out on a weekend like this. but closer to the truth, and harder to swallow, is the fact that my ex-girlfriend will definately be out this weekend. she'll be out this weekend with a bunch of friends, definately living it up, and definately do the whole meat'N'greet. she might not be having a terrific time without me (i could only hope), but i will gaurantee that she WILL be meeting plenty of new guys who would be jumping at the opportunity to replace me.

so i guess its safe to say (although im not proud of it) that stupid pride/jealousy motivated me to go out this weekend. and its also safe to say that despite my best efforts i had a pretty worthless weekend. because even tho i met plenty of nice people, i would still have preffered to stay in and relax. but such is the way it goes. shame on me (twice).

at least i got that out of my system early, so that i can get back to business. i need some time to think, so that's what im gonna be doing... for now.