it [always] continues...

i wonder if she will find this. people talk about fate. it would be fate if she found this blog and played connect the dots and figured out that this was me. there will be plenty of clues along the way, but i doubt that she will. then again... i somehow doubt that anyone will end up reading this... and although that hurts my narcissistic ego (afterall anyone who posts a blog to the web has to want some attention), i doubt that I will be too upset.

anonymity through mass-media consciousness

so lets fill in the gaps and get this shit-rocket rollin'. i'm 25. as people like to remind me... a quarter of a century old. 25 used to seem so old. now it seems so young. sounds cliche right? well, its hard to pretend to be an adult when i still can barely keep my acne under control. 25 is neither here nor there. its neither old nor young. instead its my own little slice of purgatory. unfortunately purgatory feels like a 25 lb weight around my neck... dragging me to the bottom. i should kick myself for complaining. god would (may) strike me dead for being so ungrateful. im so fortunate that i dont even know how to comprehend how good i have it. yet my mind always seems to find a way to fuck it all up.

how so? long story short... i wrestle on a daily basis with the future. thumbwars, indian leg wrestling, ultimate fighting championship... call it what you will. we throw down. its a mental smackdown between various thoughts over one topic, and one topic alone... the one.

who is the one? where is the one? have i already met her? have we dated? can she make me laugh? what does she look like? what will she look like 10 years after 2 kids? is she mentally and spiritually tough enough to make it work with me? is she flexible enough to grow old with me? will she cheat on me? how will we raise the kids? where will we raise the kids? it feels like i have relationship diarrhea in my head. where the fuck can i get some pepto for that?

sounds stupid right? well it is. but its the truth. i honestly think about this shit, and as long as i do, its going to get posted here. and so it goes... this blog will float out in space and will act as a canvas (or a garbage dump) for my thoughts about the one... and the search for the one.

if you're interested about what i have to say, stick around. if not, fuck off. like i said, i dont expect anyone to actually find this and read it. but if you do...so be it.