forest for the trees

what do you do if you're given a second chance? what do you do, when you get an early morning phone call holding out an olive branch? do you answer and pick up where you left off? or do you try to ignore it and keep on thinking?

just like everyone in the history of breakups, my ex girlfriend vowed not to call me. and just like everyone, in a moment of weakness, she called me up one morning. and to be honest i was happy to hear from her. sometimes (especially with all thats been going on around the north side) i worry that something could happen to her. lincoln park is like that... it gives you the false impression that youre completely safe, which makes it that much harder to keep your guard up. eventually you get lulled into letting your guard down and POW!! all of that disappears. sometimes you see it coming, and sometimes it sneaks up and scares the crap out of you. hmmm just like 6am break up calls... POW!!!

it was a moment of weakness, on both our parts. she called, but i was glad. and it got me thinking... 'what if'? what if we get a chance to really "talk"? what if we can work things out? what if this is what we both need to recharge our batteries and keep the ball rolling? when 'what if' likes to crash a party, she likes to brings along her hot lesbian sister 'why not' (afterall who can resist lesbian sisters)? why not talk a little longer? why not meet up for a drink? why not hook up again (ya know for old times sake)? it all sounds so harmless. it all sounds so easy.

personally i usually like to make a clean break. the whole "lets be friends" thing never works... at least not right away. you need 6 months to 2 years to get to that point. and even then it can still be a little wierd. maybe i missed my maturity pill during middle school, but im still not "ok" with seeing an ex girlfriend either A) flirt heavily with some pretty boy B) make out hardcore with some dood C) tell me about her feelings after participating in scenarios A and B. even if we're ancient history, it still doesnt sit well with me.

so if thats my modus operandi, why am i even entertaining 'what if' and 'why not'? for me its normal to flirt a little with 'what if'. what if is HOT and definately has some sex appeal. i still wonder if ill ever bump into an old girlfriend of mine who i had significant sparkage with in the past... what if we meet and the 'looks' and the sparks are still there? what if... 'what if' can be cool, but i normally dont let 'why not' shake her thang too much. its too tempting... too easy. if its easy im automatically suspicious. if its too easy, im definitely out like a trout.

ok... so i not only let 'why not' crash my party, but im letting her work her magic on me, and its starting to wear me down. im trying to be good, and keep my guard up. but why keep fightin' the good fight... afterall, isnt this what i wanted? didnt i want more time? didnt i want more time with her to see if i could 'know'? so why not? just give it a try...

maybe ive seen too many 80's DARE Just Say No! advertisments, but part of me is really screaming NO!!!!! not because i dont want to. not because im not tempted. not because i dont want to throw caution to the wind and let the chips fall where they may... but because it doesnt seem to fix anything. its like offering a bandaid to a hemophiliac with a knife sticking out of them. the worst part is that my ex is the hemophiliac and SHE's the one who's asking for the bandaid. shes the one who wanted me to think faster and decide quicker... shes the one who was concerned about the seriousness of my feelings for her... shes the one who didnt want to waste anymore time.

ok... so those are her problems. HERS. if shes come to terms with her concerns and wants to talk things out... well why not? (HA!). afterall i wasnt the one who called her at 6 am to breakup. but the seed has been sowed, and now ive got fucking crabgrass sprouting everywhere. ive had a week to think... and since i didnt think re-connecting was an option, i should have had enough time to convince myself that i was better off without her, than i was with her.

if the two of us can't (or refuse to) change, why bother? ah! very good question! 'why bother' is 'why nots' pesky little brother, he likes to tag along sometimes and mess up his sisters evening plans.

fortunately if its one thing that i dont worry too much about, its is our (both my ex-girlfriend, and I) ability to adapt and change when the situation arises. whether or not we're willing to (or too stubborn to), well thats a different story.

my ex girlfriend's flexibility is part of what makes her an amazing person. she offers everything that i want, but does she offer everything that i need? like for instance, (and i hate to admit this) but sometimes i need a swift kick in the ass to get me going in the right direction (i can be stoopid - or stubborn - like that). i need a strong woman to keep me on the straight and narrow. otherwise i just might miss the forest for the trees. do you see the irony?