a smile of anticipation

the smell of an airplane lavoratory is a one part ass to two parts chemical.

it wafts out the door every time someone enters or exists - almost like a friendly wave saying both hello and good bye. its hard to imagine that anyone could consider this smell to be a good one.

but i do.

as i fling myself eastward across the rocky mountains i cant help but inwardly smile at this smell - (smile and vomit at the same time).

this smell reminds me that i am going home.

i am sitting in the aisle seat of an emergency exit row. sitting in an emergency exit seat on an airplane affords a traveler many advantages. for instance, if the place were to crash (and hypothetically still be intact) i would be the first person out of the plane. in less apocalyptic circumstances, an emergency exit seat provides me more legroom than any other seat in the airplane. and lets not forget that the emergency exit seats also have the dubious advantage of being located directly adjacent to the airplane lavoratories.

cue smile and vomit.

every friday, i board the same boring airplane, sit in the same boring seat, watch the same boring movie, eat the same boring trail mix while downing the same boring soda. i fly so often that traveling is very ... boring.

traveling is bog standard.

some people look forward to going on an exotic vacation, or flying to visit some family or friends - i look forward to chillin in my apartment and sleeping in my bed.

most people look forward to leaving home. i look forward to going home.

its hard for me to admit this - but now that i am single, i look forward to going home more than i did when i was in a relationship. its hard for me to admit this because... i feel like im being a complete jerk to my ex. while we were dating, home was where she was. going home meant that i was going towards her. and its hard (and slightly sad) for me to admit that i was less excited to see her, than i am to see... no one.

which is a completely unfair statement to make - i loved my ex girlfriend very much. i loved being with her very much. i loved to see her and talk with her and hold her and kiss her and laugh with her.

boy did we laugh.

but towards the end of our relationship, i realized that it wasnt exciting to fly home anymore. going home wasnt fireworks and the fourth july - it was just me... going home.

dont get me wrong, we HAD those weekends. when we first started dating i couldnt wait to get off the plane. i couldnt wait to get off the plane, and jump in a cab. i couldnt wait to get off the plane, jump in a cab and wrap my arms around her. when we first started dating i used to surprise her by coming home a day early, or she used to surprise me by meeting me at the airport.

there is never a better feeling than walking down that long airport exit ramp into the arms of a beautiful-smiling-ecstatic-to-see-you-missed-you-so-much-lets-make-out-in-front-of-everyone girlfriend. (take notes ladies, this will come in handy some day).

but inevitably those surprises slowly became fewer and farther between. and i stopped really looking forward to flying home. i was happy to see her. and i was happy to spend time with her. i was happy to talk with her and hold her and kiss her and laugh with her. but it wasnt the knaw-your-stomach-into-a-pretzel-get-me-off-this-plane feeling anymore. it was more mellow. it was more relaxed.

maybe this was my heart's way of telling me that we made the right choice. maybe this was my heart's way of telling me that we werent meant to be together - that i didnt care enough about her. that i didnt care enough about us.

or maybe this was my mind's way of saying - im bored (pout). im bored and i need something new. im bored and i need something new - something that's going jazz things up make me feel butterflies again.

this thought is shitmypantsrubitonmyface scary. ha!

if my mind (or my heart) wanders after only a year and a half relationship - if my mind (or my heart) is bored and needs excitement after only a year and a half, how the hell am i going to go the distance when i get married? how am i going to keep that excitement going after five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty five YEARS of being with the same person?

how how how? (im half native american) ha!

my only hope is that (if) when i meet the 'one', it will. or more importantly, it wont, but it wont matter either. i wont crave excitement. i wont crave what (apparently) i crave now.

which is alot of pressure to put on something that we all agree is a very tenuous concept. tenuous and questionable. but its all that ive got. its the only answer that i can think of. its the only thing that i can hope for.

its weird to hope for, but when im finally married (when ive finally found the 'one') i hope that the smell of an airplane lavoratory will still (occassionally) make me smile.