txt msgin 4 dumiez

i love being home for the holidays.

because i get to watch cable tv.

i dont have cable in my own apartment. im never there. its stupid to spend 30 bones a month for something that i would barely use. not that i wouldnt use it if i was there. in fact, thats another reason why i dont have cable in my apartment - i would never go out if i did!

which is why i like being home for the holidays.

because i get to watch cable tv.

i love cable tv because i have multimedia ADD - i have difficulty sticking with something that does not interest me. what can i say, i know what i want, and if im not interested, i exercise my god-given right to change the channel.

booyah. click!

click! click! click! click! click! clickclicklclickclickclickclickclickcliiiiiiiiiiik.

amidst all my holiday clickin', i almost missed a text message on my phone:

'just got back from costa rica, where john proposed! we are engaged!'

to which i thought to myself, 'hmmm... should i continue watching the navy S.E.A.L training mini-series on the discovery channel, or switch over to good eats on the FOOD network? ill be damn'd if that good eat's guy isnt pretty fuckin' funny, but i sorta feel that i need to stick it out with the S.E.A.L's. i owe it to all those crazy mofos stuck in iraq.'

click... click! click! click! click!

its a sad SAD day when your wedding announcement is upstaged by the antics of a bunch of masochistic skinheads who have a penchant for water sports. ha!

(all joking aside, i highly recommend everyone to watch the discovery series on navy S.E.A.L's. it gave me a hearty newfound respect for the men + demi moore who have passed the S.E.A.L training regimen).

maybe its because im a guy. maybe its because im single. maybe its because im not good friends (anymore) with the bride-to-be. but i was having serious problems mustering any interest or energy regarding this momentous event.

i just didnt care.

which is harsh. hell, its super harsh. but its the truth.

so i vowed to fake it as best i could.

which was a bad idea, since i dont fake ANYTHING very well.

i could never be a woman. (ha!)

but i tried.

so after another grueling hour of S.E.A.L calisthenics and mental abuse, i called my friend up to wish her (and her fiance) a big congratulations.

i got her voicemail.

so i left a peppy sounding message and told her to call me back with all the details. i said i couldnt wait to hear all about it.

but its a good thing that i was 'faking' it and i could wait for details, because she didnt call me back.

she didnt call me back at all.

in fact i didnt hear anything more about the engagement until i saw her two days later.

good thing i was 'faking' it.

maybe i could be a woman afterall. (ha!)

two days and three hours later, my friend bounds into my house flashing her bling all over the place.

'check it out! look how sparkly it is!', she crowed as she did the obligatory outstretched left handed finger waggle that all newly engaged woman do.

my first thought was one of relief. at least i didnt have to squint to see the rock (i hate when i have to do that) - in fact i didnt have to fake anything about the appearance of the ring.

the bling bling was exactly as it should be (i.e. very VERY bling).

phew! dodged that bullet. or so i thought.

because my friends sparkly comment, the finger waggle, and my relief all happened in the instant before i said,

'if sparkly is all you care about, im sure cubic zirconium would be just as nice as a real diamond...'

which apparently is NOT what you should say to someone who is newly engaged. (doh!)

thankfully my sister swooped in and saved me (but not before kicking me in the shin and giving me the look of death).

its times like these that make me realize that i may NEVER meet someone and get engaged (for their protection as well as my own). ha!