old school

i found this quote in an old sketchbook of mine: ‘one comes to a decision based on what one wants, not based on what one doesn’t want.’ it came from the movie ‘beautiful girls’, and i originally wrote it down because it related to a period of drama during my second year of uni.

seven years later, and i still find a lot of truth in this statement.

when i was a wee lad (relatively speakin’) i chickenscratched this quote into my sketchbook to remind myself of the importance of necessity. in its purest form, necessity is an unequivocal need for something to be in your life. its more than just wanting someone or something to be present; it is an absolute life requirement.

shouldn’t we have someone in our life that is an absolute necessity? shouldn’t that person be someone that we absolutely want in our life?

i would like to hope so.

unfortunately life is never that simple. afterall, its easy to conceptualize a person that we wholeheartedly want, but it is an entirely different effort to achieve this understanding.

more often than not, we are as likely to have someone in our lives because they are what we want, as we are to have someone in our life because they are a better than what we don’t want.

and sometimes its hard to discern who is what, when we’re trying to figure out why they’re in our life. (ha!)

case in point – if you’re lonely, its very easy to date someone (anyone) and accept them into your life. in this particular case you are making a conscious decision not based on what you want (you want a quality person to be a part of your life), but based what you don’t want (you don’t want to be alone).

its laughable how often this situation can occur. have you ever used this logic?

i haven’t… but obviously ive been tempted (which is probably why i wrote this quote down in the first place).

the chief cause of unhappiness is trading what we want for what we can get right now. and sometimes its tough to see the forest through the tree’s when we’re smack dab in the middle of nottingham forest.

i used to experience a lot of situations that validated this quote, but lately ive realized that appearances can be deceiving. as ive gotten older, ive begun to make more and more decisions based not only on what i want, but also based on what i don’t want.

which seems like quite a paradox, but its not nearly as confusing as it seems.

the majority of my decisions continue to be based on what i want – i want to date someone that is an absolute necessity in my life. BUT ive also begun to use the converse logic to validate my feelings as well.

which is a great way to perform an emotional gut check.

in the heat of the moment, its easy to understand and conceptualize the experience of wanting someone through ‘love’, ‘attraction’ and ‘need’. these emotions/feelings can be extremely strong amidst the throes of a relationship.

however an even stronger set of emotions exists – those emotions associated with what we don’t want (i.e. jealousy, anger, regret etc.). and it is these emotions that ive learned to use as the true barometer for decisions that ive made regarding my relationships.

the perfect example is an ex girlfriend of mine – after we broke up, she was approached by her previous ex boyfriend about the possibility of rekindling their relationship. she asked me for my advice (perhaps to evaluate my openness to us getting back together) and i told her that she should date him. and i didn’t feel an ounce of remorse. i didn’t (necessarily) want her dating someone (who the hell EVER wants their ex to be dating somebody else?) BUT i really didn’t want to get back together either. the presence (or lack thereof) of converse emotions, validated that i had made the right decision about breaking up. in fact it fortified my resolve to adhere to my decision – afterall, if i wanted to get back together with her… shouldn’t i feel a torrent of jealousy or regret?

when we began dating, i had very strong feelings for my ex. and when we broke up, i was worried that we had made the wrong decision. unfortunately i was unable to discern whether my lingering doubts were a result of my continuing interest in her –or- my fear of letting a wonderful person slip away.

maybe it was (is) a little bit of both. but at least i made the right decision - taking into account what i wanted and what i didnt want to have in my life.