american bulimia

superbowl sunday is analogous to many things: football, beer, half time shows, superbowl parties, beer, friendly (and not so friendly) wagering, and even the occasional wardrobe malfunction (and beer).

one thing that the superbowl is not analogous to, is the act of shaving.

or at least that’s what i thought until this past weekend.

because prior to this weekend, i would never have associated the two together.

but after this weekend’s ‘performance’, i cant help it.

because the highlight of superbowl XXXIX was the shaving.

and if you saw (what i saw) you might agree.

although im sure that many of you didn’t (see it), and even if you did, you probably wouldn’t (agree).

which is completely understandable.

because in order to agree, you would have had to have seen the ‘girls gone wild’ half time show. ha!

which was as trashy as you’d expect it to be, with more nudity and degradation than you’d expect there to be.

but it was still better than the ‘lingerie bowl’.

which tried its best to legitimize itself as a ‘manly’ alternative to the decidedly ‘androgynous’ paul mcCartney concert.

‘androgynous’ in the ‘lets – choose – paul – mccartney – because - he’s – about – as – sexless – as – they – come – and – we – cant – have – another – JJ – malfunction – this - year’ kinda way.

we proceeded to watch 30 seconds of pauly before opting to buy the ‘lingerie bowl’ on pay per view.

we proceeded to watch 30 seconds of THAT before opting to buy the ‘girls gone wild’ half time show on pay per view.

pay per view musta fucking loved us.

i don’t need to go into details about the show – im sure we’re all aware of the nekkidness combined with stupid coeds combined with (probably) a lot of coke combined with drunken lecherous assholes.

and of course shaving.

which has absolutely nothing to do with football, but now will FOREVER have everything to do with football. ha!

but lets be honest – even with the shaving, ‘girls gone wild’ is fucking lame. its semi-legitimized softcore porn dressed up with some ‘real’ college coeds and snoop dog to boot.

i say semi-legitimized because the public actually condones the sale of this material (why else do we see advertisements for GGW tapes on major broadcast networks) while simultaneously condemning the degradation of society amongst the implication that boobies (janets to be specific) are corrupting the moral fiber of society.

in other words, the general public is fucking bulimic.

as americans, we want to have our cake (and eat it too). but we also want to purge immediately afterwards, and condemn food as being unnatural.

all of which doesn’t stop any redblooded american from slapping down his hard earned fifteen ninety nine, and tuning in to girls flashing their naughty bits during the superbowl half time show.

which leads me to believe that the general public could care less about showing t&a on tv, so long as we pay for it.

which basically means that janet jackson wasn’t enough of a capitalist for our nascar joe society. ha!

now don’t get me wrong, i sure as hell wasn’t thinking about the degradation of society or the meaning of life during the ‘girls gone wild’ half time show.

in fact you would expect that i wouldn’t be thinking of much of anything.

which is partly true.

(then again, when am i EVER thinking much of anything?) ha!

because throughout the thirty five minute girls-gone-slip-and-slide, i did have the occasional thought bubble.

and like i said, i wasn’t thinking about moral fiber or any other such nonsense.

instead, over a chorus of ‘OMG!!!’ and ‘where can i meet these girls?’ and ‘look at her bounce!’, i was thinking, ‘if only my friends could see me now’.

and i had to laugh, because superbowl sunday was the perfect contrast to two separate conversations that i had had the day before.

conversations in which two of my girl friends had ‘laughingly’ asked me if i was gay.

‘if only my friends could see me now’

which is not meant to be an indictment of my friends, or them evaluating the possibility of my ‘gayness’.

because lets face it, i am into some pretty ‘gay’ shit.

first of all, im obsessed with relationships and feelings and the ‘one’ and soul mates and romance etc. etc. hell! i even have an entire blog that is dedicated to these topics.

second of all, in real life i have a lot of girl friends. too many in fact. so many that people have to ask ‘don’t you have any guy friends?’. ironically this is closely mirrored by my ‘online’ readership… who are also mostly of the female persuasion. (sorry mr N). ha!

if you add on my willingness to watch chick flicks (and the occasional inclusion of said chick flicks amongst my movie collection) i think you can make a case (albeit flimsy and based on stereotypes) that i am gay.

shit, i guess it doesn’t help that i ‘style’ my hair and dress well too.

hell, i must be gay!

these are understandably shallow assumptions. and had anyone else ‘joked’ about my sexual orientation i might have labeled them as ignorant. but these girls know the gay community, have gay friends, (hell!) we even have mutual gay friends.

so i know that no harm no foul was intended.

in a way i think the reasons for their ‘jokes’ run a little deeper.

i think questions like, ‘why won’t you date me?’, ‘or at least hook me up with one of your guy friends’ may also factor into this discussion.

and even though it SOUNDS egotistical to project these rhetorical questions on to my girl friends, im willing to bet that a couple of them HAVE entertained these questions at one time or another. (maybe not for very long, maybe not all of them, but it was considered, and some of them did)

my answer to the first question can be simply summed, ‘im just not that into you’ ha!

which is so true, but so cliché, and so lame which is why i hate to use it.

(did i forget to mention that ill indiscriminately read any type of book – including self help clit?**) ha!

the answer to the second question was easily demonstrated by the shaving and the bouncing and the ‘girls gone wild’ half time show.

most of my girl friends are not the ‘girls gone wild’ sort.

and most of my guy friends are.

go figure. ha!